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	():funny quotes (263): More random quotes

Posted by Patrick Worthington on 13-Aug-2005

More random quotes

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. --Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. --Robert Heinlein

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

There's no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. --Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money... as well as afterward.

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	():funny quotes (263): Water Filtration System

Posted by seven420 on 13-Aug-2005

Water Filtration System

'When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.' -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

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	():funny quotes (263): Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters

Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 13-Aug-2005

Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters

Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters

===============================================

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder you slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life... people who like their jobs and people who don't work here anymore.

Department of Defense: we kill people - so you don't have to!

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	():funny quotes (263): "Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. "

Posted by Nuttygryl on 09-Aug-2005

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. "

Lily Tomlin

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	():funny quotes (263): Meditations on the Meaning of the Universe

Posted by moo m. moo on 13-Aug-2005

Meditations on the Meaning of the Universe

Douglas Adams: 'There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein: 'Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown: 'Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon: 'In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch: 'Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout: 'The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen: 'I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.'

Douglas Adams: 'In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.'

Carl Zwanzig: 'Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....'

Rich Cook: 'Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.'

Fred Hoyle: 'There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.'

Ray Bradbury: 'We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.'

Christopher Morley: 'My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.'

Edward Chilton: 'I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.'

Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes): 'The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.'

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	():funny quotes (263): Occupational Descriptions

Posted by Taz Mania on 13-Aug-2005

Occupational Descriptions

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the
plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which
isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
woman enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/he
liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

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