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| Posted by Harrison Hill on 13-Aug-2005 | More random thoughtsJust a few thoughts from 1999....by Steven Wright
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!
If Fed Ex & UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win & winners never quit, what fool came up w/"Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods & there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead & take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person w/multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night & my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
We know the speed of light...so what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today & it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
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():funny quotes (263): "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do |
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| Posted by DlineChick on 09-Aug-2005 | "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to doAnn Bancroft
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():funny quotes (263): I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and
push a bunch of planets out of |
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| Posted by gypsygirl on 09-Aug-2005 | I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and
push a bunch of planets out ofDave James
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():funny quotes (263): "You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your eyebr |
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 09-Aug-2005 | "You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your eyebrGeri Jewell
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| Posted by funky chick on 13-Aug-2005 | Words of WisdomYou'll never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairdo.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Follow your dream -- unless it's the one where you go to work in your underwear.
The one thing that separates us from the animals is that we're not afraid of vacuum cleaners.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
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():funny quotes (263): "Old age ain't no place for sissies." |
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| Posted by Brandon M. Reisdorf on 09-Aug-2005 | "Old age ain't no place for sissies."Bette Davis
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