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| Posted by Awkward on 14-Aug-2005 | More truths...Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment
is due.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need
baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
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| Posted by amanda j. tanner on 07-Aug-2005 | Society is like a stew....Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up,
you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey
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| Posted by Raymond N. Kostowski on 13-Aug-2005 | Problem solving quotes1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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():funny quotes (263): "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover... |
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| Posted by Nate M. F on 07-Aug-2005 | "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover..."One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that
you think you're wrong whether you are or not.
Not wrong in particulars,
but wrong in general, wrong about everything."
- Jim Harrison
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| Posted by Will Greer on 14-Aug-2005 | More quotes"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God
has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to
outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary
and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
the pumpkin." --Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron
Richards
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what
to feed it." --Steven Wright
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry
Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
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