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| Posted by Courtney L. van Emmerik on 14-Aug-2005 | Music for a movieJerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was
excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the
finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the
film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a
porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could
go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the
theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the
back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick
ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog
got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women,
in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the
old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just
here to see our dog."
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| Posted by Sarah Sanchez on 14-Aug-2005 | The Matling BullA man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading
down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first
bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and
says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5
times a month. You can learn from this one also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and
says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A
DAY! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow."
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| Posted by Andrew Bruno on 14-Aug-2005 | Cat and the SaurcerIn front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not
for sale." said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal." said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer." said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing." said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From
that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
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| Posted by Emi J. LaLa on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Blind MiceThree mice walk into a bar and sit down, one right after the
other. They order a round of Vodka for themselves and start to
talk.
The first mouse guzzles the drink and says, "I set off mouse
traps just for fun."
Then the second mouse drinks his and says, "Oh yeah? I ground up
those poison pills they try to give us and snort 'em."
Then, the third mouse gulps down his drink, puts his coat on,
and walks out. The other two mice yell, "Where in the Hell do
you think you're goin'?"
The mouse replys: "To go fuck the cat."
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| Posted by Jessica L. Harwood on 14-Aug-2005 | A horse and chickenOn a farm the was a horse and a chicken who were friends. One
day they were mucking around on the farm in a paddock where
there was a big deep hole, which the horse fell into.
"Help me" neigh the horse.
"OK I'll go get the farmer." Clucked the chicken. And so the
chicken went to get the farmer but he could not be found. So he
went into the barn and got into the farmers new BMW and drove
out to the horse, put a rope around the horse and pulled him out
of the hole.
The next day not having learned the lesson the horse and the
chicken were playing near the hole again. But this time the
chicken fell in.
"Help me" clucked the chicken, but instead of running to get the
farmers car the horse lowered his cock into the hole and picked
up the chick.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If your hung like a horse you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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| Posted by frank on 14-Aug-2005 | Interesting FactsIf you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (So
what are you waiting for?)
If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create an atomic bomb.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do. (Left-handies take note!!)
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a
human jumping the length of a footbal field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to death.
A gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and about
no vocal cords.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
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