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| Posted by Hugo Limberskin on 14-Aug-2005 | My RadioThe following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to
know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
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| Posted by cutybug on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fig LeafA male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As
the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I
please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the
pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you
should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered
by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs
and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to
the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the
place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely
quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink
too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
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| Posted by Luis F. Tefonse on 14-Aug-2005 | City Boy FarmingThere was this city boy out on a vacation in the country. He's driving
along when he notices a farm house. He pulls in the driveway and goes to
the door and says, "I was driving on the road and I noticed you had some
cottonwood trees and I was wondering if I could go and pick some cotton?"
The farmer says, "Boy everybody knows you can't pick cotton from
cottonwood trees." The cityboy asks, "Well do you mind if I try?" The
farmer said, "No, I don't mind." So an hour later the city boy knocks on
the door and says, "Thank you, I picked you a basket and me a basket."
The nexted day the city boy came back and says, "Yesterday when I was
picking cotton, I couldn't help but notice that you had some honeysuckle
and I was wondering if I could get some honey?" The farmer says, "Boy
everyone knows that you can't get honey from honeysuckle!" The city boy
asks, "Do you mind if I try?" And the farmer says, "No, I don't mind." So
an hour later, a knock on the door theere's the city boy with two barrles
of honey, and he says, "I got enough for you and me."
The next day the city boy comes back and says, "Yesterday, I couldn't help
but notice that you had some pussywillows and..." The farmer interrupts,
"Hold on, I'm coming with you!"
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| Posted by Nicole T on 14-Aug-2005 | The CompetitionThe LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.
The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
racoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"
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| Posted by Thomas Parry on 14-Aug-2005 | Testing your VocabularyWarning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer
ALL the questions
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't
get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on
others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)
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| Posted by Squirt on 14-Aug-2005 | Homer Simpson WisdomTHE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and
kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except
the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would
explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get
you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well,
good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you
win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all
those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
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