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| Posted by jeessejames on 12-Aug-2005 | Name That Restaurant!A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...
"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
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| Posted by Steve M. Smith on 12-Aug-2005 | No Fishing!A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
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| Posted by Matt walsh on 12-Aug-2005 | Toughening UpMy grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...DOH!
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| Posted by Paige Mcclure on 12-Aug-2005 | After YouMy phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.
I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."
I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."
The he shook his head sadly and repeated, "No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
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| Posted by Bob O. Boot on 12-Aug-2005 | Lessons from Noah\'s ArkPlan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
Stay below deck during the storm.
The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.
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| Posted by Deena on 12-Aug-2005 | Nice Car!A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!"
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