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| Posted by Nafe bafe schlafe on 14-Aug-2005 | Naming the newbornsA woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident
and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where
doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a
coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was
the only one present to name her children.
When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the
hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she
was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she
didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her
kids' names.
When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you
choose for my children?"
He replied, "The first born was a girl."
"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"
"Denise," answered her brother.
The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not
half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name
the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her
brother had chosen for the other child.
"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.
"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.
Replied the brother, "Denephew."
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| Posted by Mr. HaHa on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersHere are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines
3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle
gangs.
20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
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| Posted by Krystal on 14-Aug-2005 | An Unfortunate AccidentA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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| Posted by albert on 14-Aug-2005 | I'll Be Known As...A Scotsman walks into a bar, orders a scotch. He sits down,
takes a drink, and suddenly stands up and says in a thick
Scottish accent: "Men!! Today, I built a house with my bare
HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as Angus the house builder?"
The men all look around, look at each other, and look at him.
They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down, dejected, takes a few more sips of his drink.
He suddenly stands up again and says: "Men!! Yesterday, I built
a barn with my bare HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as Angus
the barn builder?" The men all look around, look at each other,
and look at him. They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down once again, sips his drink, and sighs. Suddenly,
he stands up again and says: "Men!! The day before yesterday, I
built a bridge with my bare HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as
Angus the bridge builder?" The men all look around, look at each
other, and look at him. They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down, finishes off his drink, and mutters: "You fuck
ONE sheep..."
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| Posted by Gemma M. Holmes on 14-Aug-2005 | Nickle or dimeThere's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys
like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after
Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's
bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
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| Posted by Ktkat Yong on 14-Aug-2005 | Excuses, ExcusesThese are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
I think a good portion of these came from student's as well...
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My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.
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