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| Posted by Elsa Romxo on 09-Aug-2005 | Needs IroningTwo elderly gentlemen were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs passing the time of day. Next door were two elderly ladies that were trying to get their attention. One said to the other "How can we get their attention?"
The other replied "I'll get their attention, watch this."
With that she took her clothes off and ran down the sidewalk past the elderly gentlemen.
"Did you see that" asked one.
"Yeah" repllied the other, "It sure needs ironing."
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| Posted by Alfredo Guzman on 09-Aug-2005 | King of the JungleA lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
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| Posted by bob bob on 09-Aug-2005 | Note on the Toilet DAttention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
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| Posted by Jeepster_J_Gill on 09-Aug-2005 | The Blind DateThings a Guy Doesn't want to hear his blind date say:
I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
Before we go out we have to get the rules straight.
Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
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| Posted by Beth A. Harris on 09-Aug-2005 | Gone AWOLAs the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out some of my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."
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| Posted by Haydogg, Wooder on 09-Aug-2005 | $50 on the PillowA couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"
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