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| Posted by Isis D. Belle on 09-Aug-2005 | Nervous old ladyA nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.
Well she couldn't stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.
"Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel..... I'll tell you when its raining!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Timbo on 09-Aug-2005 | Portland FairStumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Nicola Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Driving OffenseA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by saber saint on 09-Aug-2005 | With our compliments"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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| Posted by Mandy O. on 09-Aug-2005 | Horse tripA woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.
However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.
"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks.
"Yessum," the cab driver cheerfully replies, "but, I've got to save his balls for the hill!"
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 13-Aug-2005 | Popular NedBill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.
"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, you're pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
Ned says, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!"
Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"I could almost take it that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
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