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| Posted by Marisa Persuki on 12-Aug-2005 | New bumper stickers.Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
I have the body of a god........Buddha.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.
Illiterate? Write for help.
Honk if anything falls off.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
This isn't my idea of a good time.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Oh, evolve!
Gone crazy be back shortly.
If you're not outraged you're not paying attention.
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| Posted by Areen E. Kim on 12-Aug-2005 | Fun At the Drive-Thru Window!Attempt to take the order-takers order.
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please".
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
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| Posted by Jayla M. McLeod on 12-Aug-2005 | Try this on honey!A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"
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| Posted by Joel on 12-Aug-2005 | Growing ripe tomatoes!Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
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| Posted by Herb E. Handcock on 12-Aug-2005 | Old vs. Young!An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot...
I was just wondering if you were my son!"
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| Posted by Matthew J. Rosen on 12-Aug-2005 | Read the label first!Some actual product warning labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
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