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| Posted by Rylee Angel on 09-Aug-2005 | New Elements1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
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2. Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Matt Hawk on 09-Aug-2005 | You must be a nurseWhen using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
When you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
Men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazling
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| Posted by chels A. godinet on 09-Aug-2005 | Penguin outingA police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says, "OK", and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Carmen Leno on 09-Aug-2005 | Heart murmurMorris, an 82 year-old man, went to a doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Jennifer S. Chmielewski on 09-Aug-2005 | UgaboogaTwo hunters were captured in the jungle by a group of savages.
The Chief of the savages looks at the first hunter and says, "Ugabooga or death!"
The hunter looks at the chief and says, "Ugabooga."
A real big savage grabs the hunter and bends him over a log and has sex with him, after he finishes he lets him go.
The chief looks at the second hunter and says, "Ugabooga or death!"
The second hunter says, "Death!"
The chief says, "Okay, then death, by ugabooga!"
Submitted by Bigmike2563
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Briman B. Briman on 09-Aug-2005 | Where ya'll from?A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.
"So, where y'all from?" he asks.
"We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions."
"Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Calamjo
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