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():nerd jokes (650): New experiences broaded. . . Some |
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| Posted by LadyBrat on 13-Aug-2005 | Grapes hahahaThree guys are walking along a road and it is getting dark so they have to find a place to stay! There is an old farm house so they walk up to it and ask the man if they can stay there the night, he says no because i dont want you to fool around with my daughter. They promise him they wouldnt and he says that they can stay in the barn but if he caught them he would shoot them. Later that night the daughter crept out to the barn, and the farmer caught them fooling around. He said now im gunna shoot yas well the 3 guys pleaded with him because the daughter came out to the barn eventually the farmer gave in, he said to them go out to my orchirds and pick 100 of your favourite fruit. They did as they were told. The first guy, Bob, came back and he had picked 100 green seedless grapes. In another room the farmer made him shove them up his ass. Bob left the room feeling a little bit green himself, but did not tell the other guys what was in store for them.
The second guy, John, walked in he had picked 100 red seeded grapes. The farmer made him shove them up his ass. At around 75 grapes, John laughed so hard he shitted about 30 out. The farmer told him to get on with it but again at 90 he shit about 20 out. The farmer yells Geez, boy whats the matter with you and John yells back in hysterics I was just looking out the window and Harry is out there picking watermelons!!!
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| Posted by Scn64 on 13-Aug-2005 | Not Bright CustomersThe following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted 'I know it is real, I see people check in every week!'
- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 'Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.' her response....click.
- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.'
- I got a call from a man who asked, 'is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said 'but they look so close on the map.'
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
- A woman called and said, ' I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yea, whatever.'
- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.'
- A woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York' The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.' The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'
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():nerd jokes (650): Do u no what is black and blue in a ditch ? |
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| Posted by SpOrTy PiNaY on 13-Aug-2005 | Do u no what is black and blue in a ditch ?A man who said one to many blonde jokes
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| Posted by susieq on 13-Aug-2005 | Legal Q & A'sQuestions are asked by lawyers.
Answers are given by witnesses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the
fact that you had hired detectives to watch your
husband's every move, you yourself stood on that
corner every night, in all kinds of weather,
watching your husband and a woman enter the house,
seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly
after that in an upstairs bedroom, and then some
minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world
did you do it?
A: I just wanted to be near my husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A woman charged with adultery was grilled by the
opposing attorney.
Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of
conduct?
A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him
happy. I don't see why he should be concerned about
what I did with my leftovers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: How big would you say?
A: Oh, about eight inches.
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Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
A: No.
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Q: Did the defendant have an erection?
THE DEFENSE: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.
THE COURT: I don't think so.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten.
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination):
Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.
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ATTORNEY: And you can show us a copy of that oral
agreement?
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you know who would?
A: Do I know who would know? Yes.
Q: Who?
A: Me, if I knew.
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| Posted by Lauren L on 13-Aug-2005 | DirtyWhat do you call a white boy in a dumpster ?
A:white trash
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