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| Posted by Christine Phung on 09-Aug-2005 | New FurWatching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realise some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"
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| Posted by Katie J. C on 09-Aug-2005 | Virgin BirthA mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
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| Posted by Alex Martin on 09-Aug-2005 | Embarrassing MomentA young businessman had just started his own firm.
He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure, I've come to install the phone!"
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| Posted by Patrick van Nieuwenhuizen on 09-Aug-2005 | Highway to HawaiiA man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz, OK?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs? Basically...what makes them tick?!?"
The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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| Posted by Damian O. Miller on 09-Aug-2005 | Like A MelonDuring an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed.
"It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman.
"I was talking about the flavour!"
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| Posted by Tiger07 on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf LessonsA husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?"
asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?"
asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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