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| Posted by Nickie M. Necsefr on 07-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making...The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? Who's your Jedi Master?"
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| Posted by Tommy K. Barf on 13-Aug-2005 | SuperbowlA guy wins tickets to the Super Bowl in a charity raffle.
Best seats in the house... right on the 50 yard line and close to the field.
As the game starts, he notices the seat next to him is empty.
He comments to the man across the gap: 'this is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!'
The man replies, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.'
'Well, that's really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'
'No,' the man replies, 'They're all at the funeral.'
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 07-Aug-2005 | If a straight line fit is required, obtain...If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
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| Posted by Smith on 13-Aug-2005 | A really stupid frog jokeA teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"
The student replied, "It's dead."
The teacher then asked, "How do you know for sure?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 13-Aug-2005 | Ice creamAn abulance driver was driving through a street when he notices a small boy chasing him. He turned the corner the boy was still there so he decided to slow down and see what the boy wanted....He asked the boy if he was alright and the boy reply one ice cream please
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| Posted by Sarah Northington on 07-Aug-2005 | The top 6 reasons computers are female......The top 6 reasons computers are female...
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the
corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as
informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
and the number one reason computers are female:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 12-Aug-2005 | Window washersThere were 3 male windowwashers. One Mexican one American and one Polish. At lunch break one day the Mexican opened his lunch and got a burrito. He said,\"man if i get another burrito im gonna jump.\" The American said,\"if i get another bologna sandwich im gonna jump.\" The Polish guy said,\"if i get another sausage im gonna jump. The next day they all commited suicide. At their funerals the Mexican wife said,\" If only I would have known he didnt want another burrito i would have packed him something else.\" The Polish wife said,\" I would have packed my hubbie something else if i wouldve known.\" Then they turned and looked at the American wife. She said, \"what are u looking at me for, he packs his own lunches.\"
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| Posted by lafonda on 13-Aug-2005 | RetardQ:How do u get 5 retards into an ambulance??
A:2 in the front 2 in the back and the other on the top making the siren sound effects.
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 07-Aug-2005 | Let's put this into sensible units - - like...Let's put this into sensible units - - like furlongs per fortnight.
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| Posted by Jordan L. Lee on 07-Aug-2005 | You should go home....You should go home.
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| Posted by BILLY B. PLOTTER on 07-Aug-2005 | Speaking of being stuck on one address, my...Speaking of being stuck on one address, my professor once told this
tale of misoptimization, quite possibly apocryphal. It seems these
computer architects were looking to speed up their machine. They looked
at their dynamic instruction counts and picked a branch instruction
that was heavily used. After fixing the microcode they started up the
system again and noticed NO improvement in speed. Turns out the branch
was used by the idle loop in the scheduler. All they did was make the
CPU spin its wheels faster.
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| Posted by Nick Jerimiah on 07-Aug-2005 | Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon...Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
- Mike Adams
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| Posted by Derek K. Lewis on 07-Aug-2005 | The reason computer chips are so small is...The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
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| Posted by Jared A. Stevenson on 12-Aug-2005 | Nok noknok nok ! whose there? banana banana who? nok nok whose there banana banana who? nok nok let me guess its banana? Nope ok i\'ll anwser the door then. WHO IS IT THIS TIME? Its Orange. OH YEAH ORANGE WHO? Orange you glad i didn\'t say banana ?
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| Posted by Jeff R. Janney on 13-Aug-2005 | Dumbass RedneckOne Day A fat Redneck walks into a bar And Orders a Beer. Once the bartender Brings him his beer He stands up and Pisses in it. The Bartender Perplexed ask "Why did u piss in ur beer". The man Replies This isnt my Drink. The Bartender says "o playing a prank eh"? The guy Replies "Ya" Ive put gold in the bottom of the class". "Gold? the Bartender says Thats not urine"? Quickly the bartender swoops down the drink. and is dissapointed not to find gold. The man smiles And hands the Bartender a note. "Toldya I was playing a prank u dumbass".
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| Posted by Scn64 on 13-Aug-2005 | Not Bright CustomersThe following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted 'I know it is real, I see people check in every week!'
- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 'Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.' her response....click.
- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.'
- I got a call from a man who asked, 'is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said 'but they look so close on the map.'
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
- A woman called and said, ' I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yea, whatever.'
- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.'
- A woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York' The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.' The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'
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| Posted by Ashley Brown on 07-Aug-2005 | What is the definition of a cyber slut?...What is the definition of a cyber slut?
A girl who types well with just one hand.
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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 13-Aug-2005 | Just Like HomeAn ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing ... only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.In disbelief, he asked her: 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she said, 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he said, 'You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this?' replied the woman 'I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But-but, that's impossible,' stuttered the man, 'you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman, 'on the South side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy was stunned. 'Let's row over to my place, ' she said. As she docked, the man looked onshore, and nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk Leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven Hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually 'It's not much, but I call it home. Please do sit down. Would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you' he said, still dazed, 'can't take any more coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take A shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he mused, 'what next?'
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...' She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing! 'You mean?--,' he replied, '-I can check my e-mail from here?'
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| Posted by amy on 12-Aug-2005 | What is...what is black and white and red all the time?
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| Posted by Jesi Lucjak on 13-Aug-2005 | The Tromboom...(Please don't try this at home)
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, ''I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.''
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, ''Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say ''Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!''
Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super-heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out: ''Hey, everyone, watch this!''
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| Posted by Aaron R. Whittington on 13-Aug-2005 | The truth about BridgeA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, 'Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'
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