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| Posted by chips on 14-Aug-2005 | New Truck, Old DogMichigan, USA.
Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.
Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find covep, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.
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():nerd jokes (650): Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking |
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| Posted by Tombelgirie on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking - "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.
- Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
- "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
- "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
- "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
- "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
- "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
- "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
- "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
- "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
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| Posted by jen on 13-Aug-2005 | GarnWords were the big topic of the million dollar television quiz show where Professor Geewhiz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he couldn't put into a sentence.
"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row.
"Garn?" said the professor, "Garn? It's not a swear word, is it?"
"No," said the punter in the third row, "Garn."
Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.
"You've stumped him," said the MC, "How do you use the word, sir?"
"Garn get fucked," said the punter who was immediately thrown out and the show closed until further notice.
It took the network twelve months to get over it. Finally they had the gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would have to screen the audience in future.
On the opening night they scrutinized each member of the public as they arrived before asking for the first word.
A man is the third row wearing a vicar's collar a beard put his hand up. "Smee," he said.
"Smee?" said the professor, "Smee?" The seconds ticked away and he was forced to concede on the very first word.
After the applause had died down the MC asked the punter, how do you use the word?"
The punter stood up, pulled his false beard off and said, "Smee again - Garn get fucked!"
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