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| Posted by Max Margulies on 14-Aug-2005 | New Year's Resolutions - 1996 EditionNew Year's Resolutions.
I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1996 Edition":
Resolution #1
1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1994: I will not leave Marge.
1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2
1993: I will stop looking at other women.
1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.
1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
1996: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3
1993: I will not let my boss push me around.
1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish Space.
Resolution #5
1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7
1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
1995: I will not become a "problem drinker".
1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
Resolution #9
1993: I will see my dentist this year.
1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.
1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.
1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10
1993: I will go to church every Sunday.
1994: I will go to church as often as possible.
1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex |
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| Posted by jake hatesworth on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Jokes!As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,"And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!!!!
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It?s in Decembrrrrr.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't |
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| Posted by Dick Day on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I) |
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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
13> Uranium-236 not included.
12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.
11> Some dismemberment may occur.
10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
8> No disrespect intended.
7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
5> NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
2> Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
1> Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
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| Posted by brittany l. fint on 14-Aug-2005 | Walkin' in a Doggie WonderlandDog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
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