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| Posted by Christopher L. Eloy on 10-Aug-2005 | New Years Resolutions1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of
them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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| Posted by kelbell on 10-Aug-2005 | Bar JokeA man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose
selling point was that it was on top of the largest
skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the
bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes
a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's
surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window
back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks
the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very
strong wind currents which can carry you back to the
window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He
takes a running leap out the window and falls to a
horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a
jerk when you're drunk."
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():bar jokes (2610): A businessman enters a tavern |
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| Posted by Horse's Heaven on 10-Aug-2005 | A businessman enters a tavernA businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy,
I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look
inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm
peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to
go home."
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| Posted by Dreamer on 10-Aug-2005 | 12 ShotsA guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as
he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
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| Posted by Oldmanshiver on 10-Aug-2005 | "Got any grapes?"A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve
grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has
never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you
ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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| Posted by Meg Bailey on 10-Aug-2005 | String TheoryA string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender
says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few
minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking
a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in
a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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