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():bar jokes (2610): Newly issued alcohol warnings |
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| Posted by Gone T. Postal on 09-Aug-2005 | Newly issued alcohol warningsThe Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
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| Posted by David Ashton on 09-Aug-2005 | Miner visits barA miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where??™re all the wimmin?"
The Barman replies, "Ain??™t no wimmin here, not fer a long time."
"Well what do y??™all do?"
"We do it with the animals."
Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.
Months later, same story... After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, "You??™re sure you do it with the animals?"
"Yes, we do, sir"
Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.
The bartender was in front and said, "My God, man, what are you doing?"
"I thought you said you all did it with the animals."
"Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff??™s broad!"
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| Posted by gypsygirl on 09-Aug-2005 | Steering wheelSo a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender
says:
"Gee that must be a bit annoying mate"
The guy replies: "Yeah, its driving me nutts!"
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| Posted by DeLio on 09-Aug-2005 | Gone FishingTwo men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."
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| Posted by Cyberventurer on 09-Aug-2005 | Prostitute at barA man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.
When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.
"Forget it," the man says, "you never told me you were a prostitute." "But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?"
"You won't get any decent prostitute for that," the hooker says. She throws the guy out.
Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.
She comes up to him and says, "See, I told you." "Look at the kind of trash you'll pick up for $10."
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| Posted by james on 09-Aug-2005 | Dennis RodmanA woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
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