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| Posted by Ab on 09-Aug-2005 | Night flightAn American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied the Irishman," we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Nicholas Hock on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk driverA policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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| Posted by KrAzYBoY on 09-Aug-2005 | Things not to sayEight things not to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Bad cop! No donut!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by LeeLee on 09-Aug-2005 | ContactsA policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Isis D. Belle on 09-Aug-2005 | Nervous old ladyA nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.
Well she couldn't stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.
"Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel..... I'll tell you when its raining!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Timbo on 09-Aug-2005 | Portland FairStumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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