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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | No Longer AngryAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United.
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| Posted by Spanky4 on 14-Aug-2005 | Walking the dogI was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off,
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to
get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed
him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing
eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his legs."
Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with
the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to
change airlines!
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| Posted by Amanda Ciaramella on 14-Aug-2005 | Fish & GameA young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation.
He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One
morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the
lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice
to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about
boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and
settled down to read.
After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and
asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was
obvious, she responded, "I'm reading a book."
"You're in a restricted fishing area, I'll need to take you in
and write you up for this", he said.
Astounded, she argued, "But I'm not fishing. You saw me here,
reading my book!"
"But you have all the necessary equipment," he said, pointing
out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat,
"so I'm going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area."
"Then I will press charges on you for rape", she said.
"Rape!? I haven't touched you!"
"No," she said, "but you have all the necessary equipment."
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| Posted by Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Sunbathing, a true storyA rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
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| Posted by Suki on 14-Aug-2005 | The TripA new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a
whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the
local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track
and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already
packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his
hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood
up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man
sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for
the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat
there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.
People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He
was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some
words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him
stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the
entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and
saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking
the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,
in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up."
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| Posted by Gary E. Suter on 14-Aug-2005 | WatchJake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..."
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The
time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" Says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to
demonstrate. "The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far." Says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" Says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute." Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your
batteries."
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