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():funny quotes (263): Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers') |
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| Posted by Star Shine on 13-Aug-2005 | Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')
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'Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?'
'No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'
'How's a beer sound, Norm?'
'I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'
'What's shaking, Norm?'
'All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'
'What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
'Going Down?'
'What's new, Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'
'What'll it be, Normie?'
'Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'
'What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
'Daddy wuvs you.'
'What'd you like, Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'
'What'll you have, Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'
'What'd you say, Norm?'
'Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.'
'What would you say to a beer, Norm?'
'Hiya, sailor. New in town?'
(Coming in from the rain)
'Evening, everybody.'
Everybody: 'Norm!'
'Still pouring, Norm?'
'That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.'
'Whaddya say, Norm?'
'Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.'
'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'
'Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.'
'How's life treating you?'
'It's not, Sammy, but you can.'
'What's the story, Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending.'
'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know. If she calls, I'm not here.'
'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''
'Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?'
'Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'Another layer for the winter, Wood.'
'Whatcha up to, Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'
'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean pour.'
'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts.'
'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'
'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'
'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear.'
'What's the story, Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'
'How's about a beer, Norm?'
'That's that amber sudsy stuff, right?
I've heard good things about it!'
'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is 'what's going in, Mr. Peterson?'
A beer please, Woody.'
'Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No, for stupid questions.'
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():funny quotes (263): I think men who have a pierced ear are better... |
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| Posted by Nathan Burns on 07-Aug-2005 | I think men who have a pierced ear are better...I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
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| Posted by Dolly on 13-Aug-2005 | Homer Simpson quotes1. Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
2. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
3. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
4. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
5. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
6. Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful...magical animal.
7. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
8. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!
9. Operator! Give me the number for 911?
10. Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
11. Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)
12. Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
13. Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
14. Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
15. Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
16. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
17. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
18. Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
19. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience 'Chicken'?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
20. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
21. Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
22. (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch)
23. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
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| Posted by Vjc on 13-Aug-2005 | Daily AffirmationsI have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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| Posted by Tyler R. Dumas on 13-Aug-2005 | More Religion QuotesI don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...
"When you speak of heaven, let your face light up; let it be irradiated by a heavenly gleam; let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell, your ordinary expression will do. " Charles Spurgeon
There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." - C.S. Lewis
"Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."
Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh, Chance!"
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
In a crisis call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.
Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.
Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...
Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them
I always liked working with the Priests that drank the wine during mass. They were the easiest to work with.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
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| Posted by Odd V. Sevland on 14-Aug-2005 | Resume QuotesThese are taken from real resumes and cover letters.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor a spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
comments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paraniod, trusting completely no one and
absolutly nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investmensts."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
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