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():animal jokes (1719): Octopus Who Plays Musical Instruments |
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| Posted by Big Head Bill on 14-Aug-2005 | Octopus Who Plays Musical InstrumentsA guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down
on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very
talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the
world." He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling
him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks
up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So
the man pays his $500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a
confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?" The
octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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| Posted by fukwit on 14-Aug-2005 | The PandaA huge panda bear steps into this classy restaurant. The maitre
is both astonished and amused; nonetheless, he is a man who
takes pride on doing his job right and sends a waiter its way.
The panda asks for some of the best dishes of the house: filet
mignon, lobster, duck a l'orange, soup a l'onion gratinee, the
whole nine yards. Then, as it finishes, it steps up and turns to
leave without paying for the gargantuan fest.
"Sir, exactly where do you think you are going?" Asks the upset
maitre. The panda turns around, not completely sure he
understands. "The meals you were served are still to be paid
for." "Paid for?" Sneers the panda. "I belong to an endangered
species; you should take this a service to nature and
biodiversity." "This is a restaurant. RESTAURANT! We feed you
and you pay for it. That is the way it works. Look it up in a
dictionary if you want to!"
To his surprise, the panda brings up a dictionary from between
his skin folds and reads, "Restaurant: a business establishment
where meals or refreshments may be bought. Hmmm. But even if
you're right," the panda says as it brings up a .357 Smith &
Wesson and shoots the maitre on his leg an runs away, "I'm a
panda. Look it up in the dictionary if you want to!"
Later on, at the hospital, the injured maitre remembers what the
panda said and asks for a dictionary to look for the word
"panda." It read: "Panda: a large black-and-white mammal of
chiefly central China now usually classified with the bears.
Eats shoots and leaves."
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| Posted by Bill Clinton on 14-Aug-2005 | Animal MenagerieA mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser."
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| Posted by Brandi Bender on 14-Aug-2005 | Parrot with Attached StringsThis lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, "What are
those strings for" and the owner replied, "Well, pull one." So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, "Good day
ma'am" the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, "Good afternoon sir"
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, "Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?"
The parrot replies, "I'll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!"
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| Posted by Gene Geller on 14-Aug-2005 | Camouflage trainingDuring camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as
a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a
visiting general.
"You simpleton!" The officer barked. "Don't you know that by
jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered
the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may
say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for
target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog
peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my
pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and
save the other until winter'--that did it."
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| Posted by Sunny Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Shoot the DogA man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla
in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a
serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of
handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to
climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he
falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right
for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively
crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the
handcuffs."
"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said,
"shoot the Chihuahua."
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