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| Posted by Darnitol on 09-Aug-2005 | Ode to beer'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.
'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.
'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.
'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.
'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.
'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.
'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.
'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown
'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.
'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.
'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.
'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.
'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson.
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| Posted by L H. D on 09-Aug-2005 | 2 drunks bar hoppingTwo drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"
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| Posted by george w. tree on 09-Aug-2005 | bloodcurdling screamA drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
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| Posted by Kino Makoto on 09-Aug-2005 | 14 pints of GuinnessA bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.
'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.
'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' says the husband.
'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.
'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.
'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.
'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'
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():bar jokes (2610): Free drinks for everyone |
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 09-Aug-2005 | Free drinks for everyoneOne night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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():bar jokes (2610): You can't bring that dog in this bar |
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| Posted by Matt L. Giardina on 09-Aug-2005 | You can't bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
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