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| Posted by Darnitol on 09-Aug-2005 | Ode to beer'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.
'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.
'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.
'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.
'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.
'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.
'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.
'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown
'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.
'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.
'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.
'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.
'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson.
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| Posted by L H. D on 09-Aug-2005 | 2 drunks bar hoppingTwo drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"
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| Posted by Beaver Munc on 09-Aug-2005 | Lobster and the crabOnce upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.
'But why?' gasped the humble crab.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common,' sobbed the princess. 'You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.'
Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.
That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side inconsolable.
Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters' eyes fell on the intruder.
Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:
'F***, I'm pissed!'
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| Posted by shane d on 13-Aug-2005 | PANCAKEOVER A PINT IN THE PUB. THE ENGLISH MAN, THE SCOTCH MAN, AND THE IRISH MAN WERE DISCUSSING THE NAMES OF THEIR CHILDREN.AH SAID THE ENGLISH MAN THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON GEORGE HE WAS BORN ON SAINT GEORGES DAY.AH SAID THE SCOTCH MAN, THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON ANDREW HE WAS BORN ON SAINT ANDREWS DAY. AH SAID THE IRISH MAN ,THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON PANCAKE.
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():bar jokes (2610): The Secret of Happy Old Man |
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| Posted by playn on 14-Aug-2005 | The Secret of Happy Old ManA traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's
your secret to staying so happy?"
The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."
"So how old ar you?"
The man replied, "25."
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| Posted by Mike Postal on 08-Aug-2005 | Gay BarQ. What do you call a gay bar with no barstools?
A. A fruit stand
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