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| Posted by Pumpkin Pie on 14-Aug-2005 | Ode to the TurkeyWhen I was a young spry turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming ..."
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():animal jokes (1719): Why did the chicken cross the beach? |
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| Posted by Will Greer on 10-Aug-2005 | Why did the chicken cross the beach?Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
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| Posted by Chelsea Wilson on 12-Aug-2005 | What do you call a gay dinosaur?What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A megasorass.
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| Posted by NY on 11-Aug-2005 | Born FreeA rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
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| Posted by KateMaMate on 14-Aug-2005 | X-rated parrotA woman had a female parrot which kept saying, 'Hello, I am very horney.
Do you want to have some fun?' She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor
to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my
house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time.
They will be a good influence on her.' So, the woman brought the parrot to
his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She
squawked, 'Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?' One
male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred,
our prayers have been answered.'
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| Posted by Frans Lemstra on 10-Aug-2005 | Of Elephants and MarshmallowsWhy did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate
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