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| Posted by Frans Lemstra on 10-Aug-2005 | Of Elephants and MarshmallowsWhy did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate
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| Posted by Chris Taylor on 08-Aug-2005 | Sex With GorillaA certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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| Posted by Beck on 10-Aug-2005 | Too many cheetahsQ: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
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| Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 13-Aug-2005 | Talking Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"
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| Posted by Dylan W. Maloney on 14-Aug-2005 | very funny jokewhat did the fish say to the other fish
if u don't shut your mouth you'll get cought
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| Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | raindeerwhat reindeer laughed at rudolf?
olive.........(say this out loud) ALL OF the other raindeer,
used to laugh and call him names..........
yah yah i kno its stupid, but ur kids will like it
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| Posted by shawn Nibble on 13-Aug-2005 | GwapesA duck walks into a store and walks up to the clerk behind the counter,the clerk says "May I help you?" "Got any gwapes?" says the duck. "No I am sorry." Says the clerk. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day and to the same clerk says "Got any gwapes?" "No!" says the clerk "We still do not have any grapes"So the duck goes home and the next day comes back and once again they do not have grapes!So the clerk in frustration says"Look we do not and will not have any grapes if you come back and ask me again i will staple your mouth shut and staple your feet to the ground!"So the next day the duck comes back and goes to the same clerk and says "Got any staples?" "No." Says the clerk "Good!" Says the duck "Got any gwapes?"
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| Posted by Notum on 14-Aug-2005 | The Bad ParrotOnce there was this old man who was lonely. So he went to the
pet store to get a dog. But they were out of dogs and wern't
going to get any more until the next millnium! So the man got a
parrot. But the store owner worrined him. "The first 3 phrases
he hears and likes he will remember."
The man brought the parrot home and some boys were climbing in
the old man's tree. "Get down from there or I'll call the
police." said the old man. The kids said"Baloney, baloney,
baloney." and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man tok his parrot rock climbing. Someone's
climbing partner fell into a hole and he yelled "get a rope pull
him up" and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man brought the parrot to a carnival. The
parrot heard someone yell, "Hit the black doll and win a prize."
and the parrot repeated it.
The next day was Sunday and the man brought the parrot to
church. The preacher began his preaching. "God lives up there."
"Baloney, baloney, baloney" yelled the parrot. The preacher
looked at him but continued. "The devil lives down there." And
the parrot yelled "Get a rope pull him up." The preacher through
the Bible at the parrot but it hit a nun and the parrot yelled
"Hit a black doll and win a prize."
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| Posted by Krista N. Andrson on 13-Aug-2005 | Legal ParrotA man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
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| Posted by cory on 14-Aug-2005 | SkydivingA blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were
all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to
jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and
grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the
dog's leash goes slack."
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| Posted by Dinesh SJ on 13-Aug-2005 | Peguines at the beachSo, two peguins went to the beach...and one says,"Hey, you wanna go swimming?" and the other one says,"What do I look like...A COW?!"
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| Posted by Krazy Kin Kid on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog with no nose.Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
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| Posted by Wasabi angel on 10-Aug-2005 | Elephant PhysiologyWhy do elephants have four feet?
Because six inches isn't enough!
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| Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 10-Aug-2005 | With a monkey wrench!Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench!
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| Posted by John Walsh on 14-Aug-2005 | Really Ugly!A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet
store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady
is furious and she storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked off
now.
The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so pissed off that she went into
the store and said that she would sue the store and kill that damn bird.
The store manager promised that the parrot wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,
"Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
And the bird said, "You know."
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| Posted by J R on 12-Aug-2005 | Three flysthere are three flys in a jar two girls one boy one of the girls get tired of being in a jar so she asked the male how do we get out he said suck my dick and ill tell you so she did he told her to fly up to the top as fast as she could so she did and she broke her neck same with the other one and the boy got out.
ask how
suck my dick and ill tell you
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| Posted by luvtalaf alot on 12-Aug-2005 | African SafariA man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way.
\"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember
me?\" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the
States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost
like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, \"Could this be that elephant
I helped so long ago?\"
He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving
him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to
cross the elephant\'s face. It reaches down... picks the man up
carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air...
throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!
Turns out it wasn\'t that elephant.
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| Posted by Dan K on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog BathLittle Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large
box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter. The clerk
said, "You must have a large load of clothes to wash." "Oh no,"
said Johnny, "I'm going to give my dog a bath." "I don't think
that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog," said the
clerk. "It'll do," said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked
out.
A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some
candy. "How's your dog?" the clerk asked. "He died", said
Johnny. "I told you that soap wasn't right for your dog,"
replied the clerk. "The soap was fine," said Johnny, "but I
think the spin cycle killed him."
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| Posted by Boogyman J. Boogster on 13-Aug-2005 | Trapping BearsHow do you trap a bear?
You dig a hole ten feet deep and ten feet wide.
You fill the hole with ashes.
Then you put peas around the hole.
When the bear comes to eat the peas you kick him in the ash hole.
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| Posted by basketballgal on 08-Aug-2005 | LIZARDSA LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
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| Posted by Emily M on 13-Aug-2005 | Shag your sheepA researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. ''So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.''
''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. ''So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.''
''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher. ''That's how they do it in Cornwall too.'' And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. ''So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.''
''Over your shoulders?'' replies the researcher. ''Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?''
''What?'' says the farmer. ''And miss out on all the kissing?!''
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| Posted by Dezaray Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Hippo loveQ: Why do hippoes only mate under water.
A: Have you ever tried keeping a 5 houndred pond pussy wet.
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| Posted by Lindy Meyer on 14-Aug-2005 | Car ProblemsA man's car breaks down right in front of a farm and he's trying
to fix it when he hears a voice coming behind him, "You have
water in the gas tank." The man turns around and all he sees is
a cow from the farm.
He goes back to his car and again the same voice says, "You have
water in the gas tank." The man turns around again and he sees
the cow but this time the voice came again but it's from the
cow, "You have water in the gas tank."
The man is shocked so he knocks on the door of the farmer's
house. When the farmer answers the door the man says, "The cow
talked to me and said I had water in my gas tank. He can talk?"
The farmer replied, "Ignore him, the cow doesn't know a thing
about cars."
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| Posted by Box Social on 14-Aug-2005 | chet the birdOne day a man went to a pet store to buy his wife a christmas
present. "Can i help you?" said the pet salesman. "yes I'm
looking for a bird for my wife for Christmas. She love birds."
"I suggest this one sir, his name is chet when you stick a
lighter to his right foot he sings." so the man stuck a lighter
under chets right foot. He started to sing "Jingle bells jingle
bells, jingle all the way..." When you stick a lighter under his
left for he sings a different song. So the man stuck a lighter
under chets left foot and he sang "Deck the hall with bows of
holly..." Wow said the man I'll take him. Christmas came around
and the man gave chet to his wife. She listened to him sing
jingle bells and deck the halls. "Hun, I love him," she said.
"But what happens when you put the lghter between both feet?" "I
dont know lets find out." So they stuck the lighter between both
of his feet and he sang "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire..."
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| Posted by Mr Leafy on 14-Aug-2005 | Shark!!!A man stranded on an island builds a raft to try to escape to
another island where people may be living hopeing to get help
back to the America. The man was terribly afraid of sharks so
upon approaching another island, he spots a man and calls out to
him, "are there any sharks in the water?" the second man calls
back "no".
The first man then proceeds to leap into the water so as to swim
ashore, halfway there he yells out to the man on the
island..."why arn't there any sharks in the water?"
The man replys, "Because the alligators ate them."
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| Posted by Gothic Bitch on 14-Aug-2005 | the english cat and the french catthere was an english cat called one two three and there was a
french cat called un don twa
any way they decided to hav a race across the english channel
the one two three cat made it but the un don twa cat sank
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| Posted by Michael Pothitos on 14-Aug-2005 | AnimalsOne day a boy was getting ready for school. He fell asleep in
his uniform and his pet cat pissed on him. He couldn't change
his shirt because his mom told him to go. As he was walking to
school a squirrel jumped on him and left red stuff on his back.
Then in crawled in his pants and bit his nuts off.Then it ran
away with his nuts. Then he picked up a slug and it pooped on
him. Everyone found out he got raped by a squirrel. And it had a
period on him. And after school a dog pooped on his shoe.
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 14-Aug-2005 | The ParrotA lady was waiting for a plumber to arrive to fix her sink. She
figured she had a couple minutes before he came so she ran out
to do an errand. As soon as she left the plumber showed up. The
plumber rang the doorbell.
"Who is it?" said the lady's parrot ("Who is it" was the only
phrase it ever learned)
"It's the plumber" shouted the plumber.
"Who is it?" repeated the parrot
"It's the plumber" the plumber said a little louder.
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"IT"S THE PLUMBER!" screamed the plumber.
"Who is it?"
"IT'S THE !@#$%^&* PLUMBER!" said the plumber while jumping up
and down and screaming. Suddenly the plumber had a heart attack.
The lady finally showed up at her door to see the man laying
dead on her front porch.
"who is it" asked the lady.
And the parrot chimed in with, "It's the plumber!"
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