Funny quotes

Categories

Of Elephants and Marshmallows

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate

6 people have rated this joke:

6.17/10


	():animal jokes (1719): My First Time

Posted by Jason M. Javens on 14-Aug-2005

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

7 people have rated this joke:

6.14/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Sex With Gorilla

Posted by Chris Taylor on 08-Aug-2005

Sex With Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

3 people have rated this joke:

6.00/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Dad & Dave

Posted by Christ on 11-Aug-2005

Dad & Dave

Dad and dave are walking along in the bush and they come across a dingo licking its balls. Dad says "I've always wanted to do that". Dave replies "those dingoes can be pretty viscious you know you'd want to pat it a bit first".

2 people have rated this joke:

6.00/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 14-Aug-2005

Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink". They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So.... 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty......