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| Posted by Darren N. Doyle on 09-Aug-2005 | OJ's ClockA guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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| Posted by Joel on 09-Aug-2005 | Coming In LateThe real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 09-Aug-2005 | Giving Up SexAn eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
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| Posted by daniel avila on 09-Aug-2005 | Strings AttachedA man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached.
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| Posted by Rambo U. Thirtythree on 09-Aug-2005 | Motor Pool PhonecallThe phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the big fat Colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Jim.
"It is the so-called big fat colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank goodness for that!," Jim said as he hung up the phone.
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| Posted by Ricky THE MAN on 09-Aug-2005 | Customs ProblemsAfter an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh, "they're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now!
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