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| Posted by General cerulli on 09-Aug-2005 | Old Scottish manA Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "
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| Posted by Dan Roberts on 09-Aug-2005 | Dentist picks upA guy and a girl met at a bar.
They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says, 'You must be a dentist!'.
The guy all surprised says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out ?'.
The girl says, 'Easy, you keep washing your hands'.
One thing led to another.
They make love.
After they were done, the girl says, 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'.
The guy was very very surprised, he says, 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??'
The girl says, 'Easy, I didn't feel a thing!'
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| Posted by Paige Mcclure on 09-Aug-2005 | Two drunksTwo men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.
"She said she's conctipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."
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| Posted by Saer Sida on 09-Aug-2005 | Pirate visits barA pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.
The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
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| Posted by Nicholas Justicz on 09-Aug-2005 | St Patrick was gayThree Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.
So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
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| Posted by .-'^JAMAN^'-. on 09-Aug-2005 | Koala in a barA Koala walks into a bar.
A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?"
The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.
The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.
Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.
"Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?"
And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't."
And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money."
And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala."
"What's that?" asks the hooker.
"An animal that eats bushes and leaves."
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