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| Posted by Blake A. Cooper on 09-Aug-2005 | On Flight 167A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
'This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill, what's yours?'
He coolly replies, 'Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.'
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| Posted by ProudBreed on 09-Aug-2005 | Only when drunkA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place...
Man: 'What's the problem officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.'
Man: 'No sir. I was going 65. '
Wife: 'Oh. Harry. You were going 80. '
The man gives the wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. '
Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'
Wife: 'Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.'
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.'
Man: 'Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.'
Man: 'Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!'
Officer: 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.'
Wife: 'No, only when he's drunk.'
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| Posted by DayDreamer on 09-Aug-2005 | $10 is $10Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
'Martha, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane.'
And every year Martha would say,
'I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.'
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
'Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied
'Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10
The pilot overheard them and said
'Folks. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's $10.??™
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns' rolls and dives' but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Stumpy replied,
'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.'
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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | No Longer AngryAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United.
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| Posted by Spanky4 on 14-Aug-2005 | Walking the dogI was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off,
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to
get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed
him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing
eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his legs."
Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with
the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to
change airlines!
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| Posted by Amanda Ciaramella on 14-Aug-2005 | Fish & GameA young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation.
He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One
morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the
lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice
to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about
boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and
settled down to read.
After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and
asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was
obvious, she responded, "I'm reading a book."
"You're in a restricted fishing area, I'll need to take you in
and write you up for this", he said.
Astounded, she argued, "But I'm not fishing. You saw me here,
reading my book!"
"But you have all the necessary equipment," he said, pointing
out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat,
"so I'm going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area."
"Then I will press charges on you for rape", she said.
"Rape!? I haven't touched you!"
"No," she said, "but you have all the necessary equipment."
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