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| Posted by Lady on 14-Aug-2005 | One wishTwo guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft
and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the
surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran
out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it
was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired
old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp,
yadda, yadda, yadda.
But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now
and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish
and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give
us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean
into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first
guy in the head. NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"
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| Posted by Jennifer M. Talbot on 14-Aug-2005 | Airline SafetyWhile cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr.
Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of
the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and
came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight
attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and
smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers
feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from
under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about."
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 14-Aug-2005 | Watch Your Step"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch
your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
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| Posted by lil jitterbug on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Things you don't want to hear in an Airplane1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts
IMMEDIATELY."
2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get
there."
3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a
cartoon."
6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second
engine!"
8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
10. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"
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| Posted by Ruth S. Ludlum on 14-Aug-2005 | The Hotel SuiteThree guys went on spring vacation and booked three rooms at a
hotel. When they got to the hotel the clerk said there were no
reservations in the computer for them but they had an opening in
a suite they had. So they said okay.Then the clerk gave them the
key, said it was on the 30th floor and the elevator was broken
so they would have to use the stairs. They said okay and made a
deal the first guy would tell funny stories the 1st ten flights.
The second guy would tell scary stories the 2nd ten flights, and
the third would tell sad stories the last ten flights. So the
fisrt guy told stories and they walked slow. Then the second guy
told stories and they sped up when they got scared. Last the 3rd
guy told sad stories and at the last stair he said, "Want to
here the saddest story in the world" and the other guys said
okay tell us. He said, "I left the key in the lobby."
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| Posted by Gary E. Suter on 14-Aug-2005 | WatchJake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..."
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The
time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" Says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to
demonstrate. "The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far." Says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" Says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute." Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your
batteries."
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