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():other funny jokes (4827): One-Armed Man

Posted by Mindy L. Haag on 10-Aug-2005

One-Armed Man

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): The Most Gruesome Death

Posted by MaZter0fNtrigue on 10-Aug-2005

The Most Gruesome Death

'There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into
heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the
worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I
knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work
one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't
find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the
darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him
with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush
so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him,
the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on
my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day
and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God
spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating
my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I
landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just
picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''

2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Stressed out?...try these!

Posted by Mafia on 12-Aug-2005

Stressed out?...try these!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)

Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)

Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)

Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"


2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): OAPS

Posted by Samantha Prahl on 13-Aug-2005


Whats got 20 legs and stinks of piss?

A pension qeue in the post office!

2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Pretzels

Posted by Drew S. Suhr on 13-Aug-2005
Two pretzels walk into a dark alley... one was a salted.

2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): English

Posted by Ab on 13-Aug-2005
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that: - quicksand can work slowly - boxing rings are square - and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write, but fingers don't fing... - grocers don't groce,- and hammers
don't ham?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies... while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

If the plural of tooth is teeth... - why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese; so, one moose, 2 ... meese?

One index, two indices?

Is cheese the plural of choose?

If it is he, his and him - Shouldn't it be she, shis and shim?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? - Ship
by truck, and send cargo by ship? - Have noses that run and feet that
smell? - Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same... - while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible ... - but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it... - but when I wind up this
essay, I end it


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