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():funny quotes (263): "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It is |
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| Posted by Crusher on 09-Aug-2005 | "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It isBella Abzug
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():funny quotes (263): I think baseball would be a much more interesting sport if batters had
to use their arms instead of |
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| Posted by symmerhaze on 09-Aug-2005 | I think baseball would be a much more interesting sport if batters had
to use their arms instead ofAlan Smithee
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| Posted by Russell Kline on 13-Aug-2005 | Life PhilosophiesLife is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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| Posted by Beth Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Quotes"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.
"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah
"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same"
-Oscar Wilde
"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown
"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone
"Gay Motherfucker!"
-English professor giving an example of an oxymoron
"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner
"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog
"You want What on the fucking ceiling?"
-Michaelangelo
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| Posted by Sabby A. Gurrrl on 14-Aug-2005 | Steven WrightThese are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and
pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in
the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and
hired myself.
I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said,
"Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."
My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the
hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use
it.
I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is
what started global warming.
I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.
During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator
with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this
and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I
said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got
there.
I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice
can I swim without getting wet?"
If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn
on my head lights would they do anything?
I can levetate birds but nobody cares.
It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the
live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.
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