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| Posted by Mat Weber on 14-Aug-2005 | Out on the TownA group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin' for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.
Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stopsign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.
Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the office turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!
The policeman administed the breathalizer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. "I don't understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?" exclaimed the cop. "What's the story?"
The man replied smugly, "My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy."
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():bar jokes (2610): Signs You've Had Enough to Drink |
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| Posted by princess divatwo on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs You've Had Enough to Drink- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
- Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
- I'm as jober as a sudge.
- The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
- You wake up screaming "TORO, TORO, TORO!" in the middle of the night.
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| Posted by mega on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotable Beer QuotesIf you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your nose - Jack Handy
It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.
Beer - It's just not for breakfast anymore.
Beer - Natures Laxative.
One more and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker
Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton
A drink a day, keeps the shrink away. - Edward Abbey
People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery WI
Put it back in the horse!! - H. Allen Smith after his first American beer.
On the seventh day He brewed beer. - Bill Bradshaw
Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her. - W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.
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():bar jokes (2610): The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History |
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| Posted by Nicole Calabrese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History16> Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.
15> September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, "Don't worry, Barbara, I'll pull out."
13> Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.
12> "Look, Tom, we'll keep the 'endowed by their Creator' part as is, but that 'life, liberty and the pursuit of beer' part needs work."
11> It prevented the extinction of ugly people.
10> Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create world's first Dave & Buster's.
9> The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.
8> March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand new uniform for his "Hot Dog On A Stick" employees.
7> How else was Joseph gonna believe that "but I'm still a virgin" story?
6> Bartholomew: "Aww, BOGUS! I *totally* left the Master's Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget *everything*!"
Luke: "Don't sweat it, Dude. The Grail'll turn up."
5> There's a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.
4> 15th-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.
3> "Hey, Adolph, I hear *Poland* has good beer."
2> July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is "less filling."
1> If the Dutch hadn't brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those $24 worth of beads wouldn't have looked so appealing.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Josh P. on 14-Aug-2005 | Bright BouncerA long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here."
I replied, "That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK" and let me in.
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| Posted by Ha N. Vu on 14-Aug-2005 | Tough NightA fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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