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| Posted by Ben Hadden on 14-Aug-2005 | overweight planeA plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, "Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i'll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane." The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, "Remember England
and the great Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
"Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!" and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
"Remember the Alamo!" and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.
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| Posted by Bunny Babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do in the mall1.Lie in the middle of the mall, motionless. Scare anyone who
comes near you.
2.Walk up to someone and say "I know where you live. I just
don't know where I live, can you help me?"
3.Start a song
4.Hide in fake plants and throw french fries at people
5.camp out
6.Visit santa several times. try to cut in line.
7.Try on all the shoes in a shoe store.
8.Take the coins people throw in the fountain
9.replace a manakin with yourself
10.Act mentally retarted and go around asking people if they've
seen your baseball
11.Hide and go seek
12.Buy fish from a pet store and release them in the fountain
13.Take a stroller and put a baby doll in it. Run it around at
high speeds and let it go.
14.try to start a cult
15.baptise someone in the fountain
16.steal all the straws and napkins in the food court. sell them
at high prices
17.water fake plants
18."test" the chairs until they kick you out.
19.Take a nap in a display bed
20.Wear cruthes. Fall down and see how many people help you
21.try to "posess" somebody
22.perform an exorcism on an old, grumpy person
23.Have a staring contest with the manakins
24.Get into a violent argument with a manakin
25.sit next to someone on a bench. Then say "did you grab my
ass?"
26.Pretent to be blind. Take a cane and whack people with it
27.wear a sign that says Pony Ride: 25 cents!
28.walk around in an orange jumpsuit.
29.confiscate items that people have already bought
30.Walk up to some one and say proudly "I remembered my pants
today!
By Bink2001 "Funny.com saved my life!"
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| Posted by NoraLora on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind PilotsOn a plane going from Perth to Sydney all the passengers are on
board and the crew are checking that everone is wearing their
seatbelts. But the pilot and co-pilot are not on the plane yet
as everyone can see through the door into the cockpit. Finally
the pilot and co-pilot step on the plane. The pilot is holding
onto a leash that restrains a seeing-eye labrador and the
co-pilot is holding a white cane which he is tapping on the
ground. Both men are wearing thick black glasses. The passengers
laugh nervously, Surely this must be a joke they think as the
pilots walk into the cockpit. the plane begins to run down the
runway. At the end of the runway there is a large lake. The
plane is already half way down the runway and the plane still
hasn't taken off. The passengers begin screaming loudly. Surely
the plane will fall right into the lake. Then the plane takes
off into the air. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says.
Co-pilot- Frank, one of these days the passengers are going to
scream too late and then we'll all die.
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| Posted by Amy E. Allendorf on 14-Aug-2005 | Damn fish!A man was selling goods on a market...
Man: Dam fish, get your dam fish!
Vicar: There's no need for language like that, why are you
calling it damn fish, my son?
Man: It was caught in a dam.
Vicar: Oh, that's OK then, I'll have some please.
The vicar goes home to his wife...
Vicar: Cook this dam fish.
Wife: How dare you talk like that, you're a vicar!
Vicar: No, you don't understand, it was caught in a dam.
Wife: Oh! OK.
The wife cooks the fish and half an hour later, they are sitting
down to dinner with their son...
Vicar: Pass the dam fish please, son.
Son: That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!
( I apologise for the unfunniness of this joke, it was told to
me by a friend who insisted I put it on this website!)
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| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Elevator JokeA man and a woman are in an elevator. As the doors close, the
woman takes off all of her clothes and says, "Make me fell like
a woman." Then the man smiles, takes off his clothes, and says
"Here, fold these."
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| Posted by dantheman on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 words that dont exist but should10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you're only six inches away.
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