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():little johnny (1883): Pain in the Butt

Posted by Iain A. Hewitt on 13-Aug-2005

Pain in the Butt

Q: What is many different colors, and a pain in the butt?

A: A Jackass! (Donkey)

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():little johnny (1883): What you learn from Kids

Posted by Gemma Thompson on 13-Aug-2005

What you learn from Kids

By a Weary Father

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

- Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).


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():little johnny (1883): Naughty Boys

Posted by bourban on 13-Aug-2005

Naughty Boys

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it often turned out that they had had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The father replied: 'Sure, do that before I kill them!'

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, and said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his gnarled and boney forefinger at the boy and asked: 'Where is God?'

The 8 year old boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked: 'Where is God?'

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked: 'Where is God?'

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said: 'We are in BIIIIG trouble.'

The 10 year old asked: 'What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?'

His brother replied: 'God is missing and they think we did it.'


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():little johnny (1883): Childrens questions

Posted by Angel Pig on 13-Aug-2005

Childrens questions

A single mother and her little girl were out and about, doing those family errands one must contstantly do, when the girl out of the blue, asked her mother, 'Mommy, How old are you?'

The mother responded, 'Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, 'Mommy, how much do you weigh?'

Her mother responded again, 'That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up.'

The little girl, still in her inquisitive child mood, fires off another question: 'Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, 'Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.'

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, 'All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.'

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, 'Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are! I know how old you are! You're 32 years old!'

The mother is moderately shocked, and asks, 'Sweetheart, how do you know that?'

The little girl shrugs and says, 'I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds!'

'Where did you learn that?'

The little girl says, 'I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex.'


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():little johnny (1883): The Cat's Meow

Posted by devil dawg 50 on 13-Aug-2005
The Cat's Meow
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,'There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.'

'How did you know that?' his mother asked.

'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.


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():little johnny (1883): Truth in Advertising

Posted by Roq on 13-Aug-2005
Truth in Advertising
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"


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