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| Posted by jc spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | Parachutist and the GolferWhat's the difference between a parachutist and a golfer?
A golfer goes WHAP..."damn" and a parachutist goes "damn"...WHAP!
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| Posted by *Supa_Fli_Monkey_Poo* on 14-Aug-2005 | O.J. Simpson -Not GuiltyBob: Hey dick, "Did you know that they are blaming O.J Simpson's football
coach for commiting the murders?"
Dick: "Are they really Bob?"
Bob: "Yeah really."
Dick: "What for?"
Bob: "He told O.J to cut right, cut left and run like hell!"
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| Posted by Jordan L. Lee on 14-Aug-2005 | Discouraged?As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local little
league baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I
sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys
what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a
smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should
we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
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| Posted by Kristina Kelly on 14-Aug-2005 | Chicken EarsWhy don't chickens have ears?
Because they grew up on Tyson farms.
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| Posted by DJ Davis on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 things to do on a golf course1.when someone is in their back stroke, scream and fall
over\blowhorn\scream swear words
2.Golf cart races
3.tape acceleration down on a golf cart
4.turn on the sprinklers
5.make a sand castle in the sand traps
6.set off weather siren on a sunny day
7.steal someone's clubs one by one until they notice
8.steal a golf cart while someone is teeing off
9.take a really long time to putt. Refuse to let others play
through.
10.play the course backwards. Start with the 18th hole, then the
17th, 16th and so on.
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| Posted by Stype76 on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind Firefighters Playing GolfA clergy, a doctor and a lawyer were at their local country club for their
regular golf game.
Almost immediately they got behind a foursome who were very slow players.
They wandered aimlessly around the fairways looking for their balls,
whiffed shots and putted in all directions. The threesome could not play
through and finally waved down a marshal and explained that each hole took
20 minutes or more and asked if he could encourage the foursome to play at
a quicker pace.
The marshal replied by letting the threesome know that the men in front
were the four firefighters that rescued several club members from a recent
fire and as a result they had lost their eyesight. The club in recognition
of there heroic efforts had given them honorary memberships and were
asking fellow members to be patient when playing behind the firefighters.
The clergy responded by asking the marshal to let the men know that he
would include them in his prayers from the pulpit Sunday morning.
The doctor told the marshal to let the men know he would ask his eye
doctor associates to perform any exams free of charge.
The lawyer looked at the marshal and asked, "Why can they not just play at
night?"
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| Posted by Matt Lackey on 14-Aug-2005 | Midget Baseball - True StoryThe Star: Eddie Gaedel, a 3'7" midget.
The Headline: "Small Man in Big Leagues: A Veeck Stunt."
What Happened: It was a Sunday doubleheader with the Detroit Tigers on
August 19, 1951, and the St. Louis Browns were celebrating the 50th
anniversary of the American League. Between games, Brown owner Bill Veeck
wheeled a huge cake out onto the field, and out popped Eddie Gaedel,
wearing a Browns uniform with the number 1/8 on it. During the first
inning of the next game, Gaedel popped out of the dugout and informed the
umpire he was pitch hitting.
Challenged, Veeck produced a valid contract. Pitching is difficult as it
is, but a 3'7" person has a strike zone of about 18 inches. Gaedel walked
on four straight pitches. He then left for a pitch runner.
Aftermath: Gaedel made a quick 100 dollars for his appearance, and
American League president Will Harridge issued a solemn declaration
barring midgets from baseball, and warning Veeck not to try any similar
stunts.
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| Posted by North American on 14-Aug-2005 | First Sky Diving JumpA fellow gets ready to make his first jump. His jumpmaster sees
he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch,
count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem
with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the
truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft."
So the fellow exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He pulls
on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve
container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks
at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the darn truck won't be
there, either."
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| Posted by Kathy L. Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | Diary Entries from Deer HuntDeer hunting season is coming up... Here are the secret diary entries from
last year's deer hunt.
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click".
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces - place in envelope and mail to back to Game Warden.
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| Posted by Lees on 14-Aug-2005 | Seven IronThere was a golfer who was golfing and he was on the 9 hole. Now behind
the 9th hole is the club house where his wife happen to be sitting. He was
on the fairway about 150 yards away from the hole, so he asks his caddie
what club he should use. The caddie says the seven iron. The golfer takes
out his seven iron and hits the ball. The ball soars and misses the green
and hits and kills his wife. This golfer was ruined he was depressed and
hung up his clubs in the back of the garage.
Few months later the golfer meets a girl and later they get married. A
couple years after he gets married he goes golfing again. He happen to get
the same caddie and his new wife was sitting where his old one had. He
teed off and landed on the fairway about 150 yards awayt from the hole and
he asks his caddie what club he should use. His caddies says use the seven
iron. The golfer just blows up, "Do you remember what happened last time?
I was about here and you told me to use a seven iron, but I missed the
green entirely!"
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| Posted by BigBootae on 14-Aug-2005 | Half Blind HunterTwo best friends went hunting for ducks, along with a dog. One hunter had
20-20 vision, but the other was half blind. The man with great sight shot
a duck. "Nice shot!" Said the other. The dog ran over to the duck and
dragged it back, then went back out and waited for one of them to shoot
down another. The man with great vision said, "Okay, now it's your turn.
You shoot one down. I gotta take a leak." "Okay." The other said. So while
the 20-20 vision guy went to take a leak, the other came running up to him
and said, "Hey! Guess what! I just shot a duck in two parts of his body
with one shot!" The other wondered, "How the hell did you do that?" The
guy with bad vision said, "I shot his foot while he was scatching his head
with it. The bullet went right thought his foot and into his head." The
other yelled out, "YOU IDIOT!!! DUCKS DON'T SCRATCH THEIR HEAD WITH THEIR
FOOT!"
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| Posted by WilloLuvsSocks on 14-Aug-2005 | Special OlympicsWhat is better than getting a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Having arms and legs.
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| Posted by Heather m. Quinlan on 14-Aug-2005 | Bunch a Cowboy dirtWhat do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A huddle.
Why did they take the astroturf out of Texas Stadium?
The CowBoys play better on grass.
Have you heard about the Cowboys' new honor system?
Yes your honor, no your honor.
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| Posted by afman on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf Humor* A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.
* I have a nephew who's so good at golf, he's been offered a
full scholarship to medical school.
* Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged. He
asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.
* Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned.
* Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the income tax forms ever filed.
* Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the
time. Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably
telling the truth.
* Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. I knew one
fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card.
* Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland
State Highway that sometimes people would "sneak-away" for a
game of golf during the day. I had forgotten which course my
friend Dan said to meet him on and called, only to have his
secretary said, "I'm sorry he's away from his desk right now."
Knowing she'd never admit where he really was, I asked, "Tell
me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away?"
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| Posted by Jason C. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | Golfer vs. SkydiverWhat's the difference between a golfer having a bad day and a
sky diver having a bad day?
A golfer goes WHACK, "Shit!"
A sky diver goes, "Shit!" WHACK!
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| Posted by Emmorality on 14-Aug-2005 | Never Beat AnyoneOne girl's parents beat her, so she had to go to court to decide
who she would stay with, the judge asked her, "Little girl,
would you like to stay with your mommy?" The little girl said,
"No. my mommy beats me." So then the judge asked if the little
girl wanted to stay with her daddy. The little girl said, "No,
my daddy beats me." After that the judge gave up and said,
"Little girl, if you don't want to stay with your mommy or
daddy, who do you want to stay with?" The little girl simply
replied, "I want to stay with the Rams, they never beat anyone!"
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| Posted by John C. Kober on 14-Aug-2005 | Small WorldTwo guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking
their time and are slowing the men down.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can
play through." He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he
turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns
around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he
replies, "It's a small world."
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| Posted by deta H. van Hees on 14-Aug-2005 | God vs. Green BayBrett Favre, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Brett," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the
porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story
mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an
enormous Steelers logo flag, and in every window, a terrible towel.
Brett looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won the Super Bowl, and I even
went to the hall of fame."
God said "so what do you want to know, Brett?"
"Well, why does Kordell Stewart get a better house than me?"
God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Kordell Stewart's house, it's
mine."
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| Posted by Vikie Brighton on 14-Aug-2005 | The HookerAs the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom
says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably
never see me on the weekends."
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession
also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and
keep that head down. Yu'll be hitting them straight in no time."
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| Posted by Cornelius on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf AdvicesSupermodel Kate Moss is serious about taking up golf
Unfortunately all her supermodel friends neither have the time
nor interest she does to get out and play. So poor Kate is
forced to hit the links solo and play with whomever she can.
Being a marginal athlete at best, Kate finds it very difficult
to break a 100 in a round where ever she plays. And being a
perfectionist, over time this begins to frustrate her to no end.
One afternoon, Kate shows up at the Prince Course in Kaui,
Hawaii by herself and finds a threesome of local men to play
with. From the start Kate explains her frustration to the
strangers, and welcomes their suggestions and helpful hints to
improve her game so that she may finally break 100. Devastated
by her overwhelming beauty, the three men are more than willing
to help her in any way they can, and offer up all their best
advise as the day goes on. Luckily for Kate their helpful advise
pays off, and as the foursome approaches the par 4 18th, Ms Moss
has a 95 and only needs to par the hole to finally break 100.
Kate is ecstatic, and with the mens help she reaches the green
in 3, and has only a 4 foot putt for par. This being the most
important putt of life, and the only thing that matters to her
in the whole world at that moment, she turns to the three men
and says: "whomever gives me the best advise on how to sink this
putt, will be rewarded with the blowjob of lifetime from me on
the spot, a hummer you will be able to tell your grand children
about!"
After a day of getting to know Ms Moss, there was little doubt
in the their minds, that she was very serious about that offer,
and it was not questioned.
The three men stood shell shocked, barley able to speak, then
one man said: "you have a 6 inch break to the left, play that
and you'll sink it." Kate nodded her head, acknowledging the
advise, and then turned to look at the second man for his input.
The second man realized he not only had to think quickly, but he
had to come up with a different recommendation to win this
coveted prize. Just the thought of Kate Moss slurping on his hog
on the 18th of the Prince Course, left him absolute brain dead
and almost speechless. Kate getting impatient said: "well, what
do you think?" Feeling rushed now, he blurted out "straight
shot, no break, nice and easy." Kate raised her eyebrows, a
little surprised and confused then turned to look at the shot
again. As she studied the shot, she asked the third man for his
advise. Not hearing a reply, she turned to look at the third man
standing behind her. The mans shorts and underwear were already
at his ankles, and his sausage was saluting her proudly. Then a
with a shit eating grin on his face, the third man said: "That's
a gimme!"
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| Posted by bobybo on 14-Aug-2005 | Gay GolfersThere were these two gay golfers playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. There
were a group of rednecks behind them, who were always hitting the queers
with the golf balls.
One of the queers says to the other, next time they hit us, fall down and
act like you are hurt, cause we are going to sue them rednecks. Well, sure
enough, the one of the balls hits one of the queers and he falls down and
starts flopping all around.
The group of rednecks come up and asks what the problem is. The queer
says, you hit my friend with the ball and he is hurt bad. We are going to
sue you all. One of the rednecks says, "Aw, suck my dick. Well, the queer
tells the other queer to get up, because they are going to settle out of
court."
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| Posted by Megan L. Schmied on 14-Aug-2005 | Ski PracticeIt's time for skiing again! Do the following exercises to prepare for the
real experience!
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for
the real thing!
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| Posted by ginageeluv on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus GolfingJesus, Moses and Elija were feeling good one day so they decided
to go golfing.
Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the
7th hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it
at about 240 yards. Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his
driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going to try to drive across
the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that he
thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive
but it lands in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to
part the water of the creek so he can retrieve his ball saying,
"You know how much I hate to lose a ball." So Moses parts the
waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up
again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, "Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back
again!" Jesus hits tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it
lands in the creek again. So he goes down and is walking on the
water looking for his ball.
Meanwhile back at the tee the folowing foursome has reached the
tee. One of the golfers says to Moses, "Look at that guy walking
on the water. Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses
responds, "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods."
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| Posted by Austin Garrison on 14-Aug-2005 | Teams My Kids Can MakeThree guys are sitting watching a game on the tube, when one of the guys
says, "You know, I have five great sons. They could make a basketball
team."
The second guy replies, "Oh yeah, I have nine awesome sons. They could
make a baseball team."
The third guy hesitates and says, "Well, eighteen daughters for me. That'd
make a golf course."
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| Posted by Katie P. Kromwell on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on Ladies TeeA golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he
was about ready to hit, a voice came over the PA system, "Will
the gentleman on the ladies tee, please move back to the men's
tee." He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The voice again, "Will the man on the red tees move back to the
white tees!" He looked back at the starters shack and said,
"Will the man on the PA system please shut up, so that the man
on the ladies tee can hit his second shot."
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| Posted by jack ill on 14-Aug-2005 | PackersHow do you keep the packers away from your house?
Put an endzone in front of it.
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| Posted by smiler44 on 14-Aug-2005 | Magnetic Golf Ball"What does this golf ball do?" Frank asked the manager of the
golf shop. "This golf ball magnetically attracts to all sorts of
holes. It depends on what direction you hit the ball in. If it
goes straight towards the hole, it will go into the hole" the
manager replied. "I'll buy it." Frank bought this rather strange
golf ball and walked out to the golf course, where his friend
Bill, was waiting for him.
The first hole was a Par 3, so Frank had a good chance of
getting a hole-in-one on this hole. After Bill had played his
first shot, Frank stuck the tee into the ground and placed his
magnetic golf ball on top of it. When he was set, Frank hit the
ball straight towards the hole and got a hole-in-one. "You can't
ask for a better start than that Frank", said Bill. Frank smiled.
For the next sixteen holes, Frank's weird golf ball found holes
to go into after every shot. However, most of these holes that
the ball went into were either a bunker or the hole itself.
There was one occasion though, when the ball went into one of
the pockets in Bill's pants, but this doesn't compare with what
happened on the eighteenth hole.
Bill had already played his first shot on the eighteenth, and
Frank was about to play his. The eighteenth hole had a large
hill in which the ball had to be hit over. The hole and pin
could not be seen from where Frank and Bill were.
Since this hole is a Par 3, Frank could get another hole-in-one.
When Frank was set he hit the ball, and to his disappointment he
hooked it to the left. A few seconds later, a loud noise could
be heard "Aaaaaaaargh!!!!" Frank and Bill had no idea where the
noise came from, so they both walked over the hill to look for
their balls.
Bill found his ball straight away, but Frank was having great
difficulty in finding his ball. Frank had spent about twenty
minutes trying to find his ball, when he decided to give up and
use another ball. "I'll use another ball for my second shot
Bill, but first I need to go to the toilet". Frank walked over
to the public toilets, which was about twenty meters to the left
of the eighteenth green.
When Frank walked into the public toilets he heard a voice, "Is
there anyone there?" "Yes there is," replied Frank, as he walked
towards the cubicle at the far end. When he got to the cubicle
door, which was open, Frank asked the man, "What do you want?"
"I need a doctor," came the reply. "Why do you need a doctor?"
Frank asked curiously. After Frank asked this question, the man
in the cubicle did something strange. He stood up, turned around
and flashed his naked backside at Frank, who suddenly became
worried, "Holy shit!!!!"
"What is it?" said the man in the cubicle. "You wouldn't believe
what's stuck up there!!" Frank said. "What is?" "My fucking golf
ball, that's what!!!!"
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| Posted by Japeloup on 14-Aug-2005 | Sports? Nah.....I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had
to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play
basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football,
and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 14-Aug-2005 | Einstine and the packerseinstine was sitting in the back of a train. this man walks
right in. but before he can sit down enstine says "what is your
IQ." the man goses "whel i dont mean to brag but it is 150.98"
Enstine says "great we can talk about math, art, music, and
symbolisem." a second guy walks in. before he sits down enstine
says " what your IQ. the man says " whell its 135." enstine
says "great we can tlak about liturature and music. finaly the
third guy walks in. enstine says whats your IQ. the man says
"DUH... 2.2" enstine says "great we can talk about the packers".
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| Posted by hairymouth on 14-Aug-2005 | Smart football playerA High School football coach was putting the team through some
toughening-up exercises. One fellow with more brains than brawn
began to get tired. "Everybody on their back!" barked the coach.
"Legs up in the air. Now pretend that your riding a bycicle.
Faster, faster!" The tired one peddled a few minutes, then
stopped. "Hey, you." yelled the coach "whats the big idea?"
"Who, me?" asked the bright one, "I'm coasting."
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