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| Posted by Rani Patel on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking SpaceAn overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special chocolate cake," he explained.
"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
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| Posted by barry K. tanishi on 09-Aug-2005 | Wonderful SermonAfter church, a woman shook the pastor's hand at the door and went on and on in her praise.
"That sermon," she exclaimed, "was one of the most wonderful I've ever heard!" The humble pastor couldn't accept such a great compliment.
"Oh, it really wasn't me," he said, "It was all the Lord."
"Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it wasn't THAT good."
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| Posted by Whiteknight on 09-Aug-2005 | Quick PropositionAt a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said.
"We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account.
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| Posted by Cam Jones on 09-Aug-2005 | Biblical StoryA Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt".
Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"
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| Posted by silverseeker on 09-Aug-2005 | Hunting StoriesOne night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet.
I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this............
ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!.......
I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I =don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
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| Posted by Alket Memushaj on 09-Aug-2005 | Jesus on Drugs!Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
It's Luke" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU SCUMBALLS! EVERYONE ASSUME THE POSITION AGAINST THE WALL!"
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