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| Posted by joke magus on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking ticketA driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
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4 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 09-Aug-2005 | Friday 13thA fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.
'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks for a second and says.
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'
'Have a nice weekend.' said the officer.
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16 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Christopher L. Eloy on 14-Aug-2005 | Hotel BillA husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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7 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Oliver P. Burton on 14-Aug-2005 | VomitA little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it
in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and
sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
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6 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Ashley Barth on 14-Aug-2005 | TeamworkThe loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir,
is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system. No one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up."
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7 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Rebecca L. O'Quinn on 09-Aug-2005 | BicyclesA man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border.
A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags.
The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand.
This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear.
A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
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3 people have rated this joke: |
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