|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Brandi Bender on 14-Aug-2005 | Parrot with Attached StringsThis lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, "What are
those strings for" and the owner replied, "Well, pull one." So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, "Good day
ma'am" the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, "Good afternoon sir"
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, "Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?"
The parrot replies, "I'll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Gene Geller on 14-Aug-2005 | Camouflage trainingDuring camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as
a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a
visiting general.
"You simpleton!" The officer barked. "Don't you know that by
jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered
the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may
say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for
target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog
peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my
pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and
save the other until winter'--that did it."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sunny Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Shoot the DogA man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla
in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a
serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of
handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to
climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he
falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right
for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively
crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the
handcuffs."
"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said,
"shoot the Chihuahua."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Cam Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | The MiceThree mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they
were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on
me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with
that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for
the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and
ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and
replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Gabi A. Mottola on 14-Aug-2005 | Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be
bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Contrary to
this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a
variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath.
(Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative
to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now,
this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a
trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and
total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with
a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not
suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in
the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now
fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the
glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach
for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor
and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small
hedgehog while plotting revenge.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | A Cat's DiaryDAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece
of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
