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| Posted by Paul C. Randall on 09-Aug-2005 | P'd off!Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head."
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."
"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Derek K. Lewis on 09-Aug-2005 | 3rd prizeTom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize, a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?""
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Barrett A. Willis on 09-Aug-2005 | Charge by the inchHaving had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Tisch T. B on 09-Aug-2005 | The Lone RangerThe Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.
It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Lucy Zhang on 09-Aug-2005 | Pirates adventureA pirate walked into a bar, the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"what about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
"We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really."
"So, what about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up, and one of the pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye from some bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo
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| Posted by Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Difficult to say...Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't, no one wants to hear me sing!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
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