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| Posted by Tanya N. Boyce on 13-Aug-2005 | People born in 1982...Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mind set of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression (you sound like a broken record) means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control, let alone one with a cord.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the 'Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up' commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel,' or 'De plane, de plane!'.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
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| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Talking Cigarette Pack Quotes13> "Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look."
12> "[Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth."
11> "Don't worry; you have an extra lung."
10> "All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn't nearly as annoying, is it?"
9> "...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning."
8> "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?"
7> "Betcha can't smoke just one."
6> "I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy."
5> "Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't pay themselves, you know."
4> "The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy."
3> "Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster."
2> "You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years."
1> "Hey, Cowboy! You smell like Slash's hair!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Blah Blah on 13-Aug-2005 | A Visitor's Guide to Dallas, TX. . . life in America's fifth largest city.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3.All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.
4.The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
5.The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross, Pokolodi and Routh Street.
8.Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
9.All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"
10.If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11.All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......
13.If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
14.Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15.A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16.The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
17.Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18.If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone... people are not waving when they go by.
19.The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
20.LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock Show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
24.Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
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| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 13-Aug-2005 | What Hallmark Doesn't Print:1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.
7. You totalled your car and can't remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?
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| Posted by Daisy Girl on 13-Aug-2005 | 20 things we have learned from the movies1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
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| Posted by wraith on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Things Overheard in the Year 2999
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
12> "Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately... one... thousand... years...."
11> "Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3."
10> "Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!"
9> "Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgement for the recently discovered document known as 'The Rejected Hurricane Name List'."
8> "I found it on the Galactinet -- I think it's a picture of how humans used to reproduce."
7> "Hi, I'm Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!"
6> "I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot."
5> "Okay, I'll go over it one more time: It doesn't really start until January 1, *3001* because..."
4> "Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again..."
3> "25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars."
2> "We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success."
1> "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft..."
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