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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot to tower"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
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| Posted by jsw240 on 09-Aug-2005 | Takeoff'sTakeoff's are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
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| Posted by Lorinda Bruce on 09-Aug-2005 | Confused soulA pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
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| Posted by Kiks on 09-Aug-2005 | Software engineeringAt a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 09-Aug-2005 | Cessna bird strikesYou know you???‚¬?„?re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
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| Posted by The Metroid on 09-Aug-2005 | Great landingEveryone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
But a 'great' landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
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| Posted by Jose A. Suazo on 09-Aug-2005 | 2nd greatest thrillFlying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is the first!
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| Posted by vicky on 09-Aug-2005 | Too much fuelThe only time you have too much fuel in a plane is when you're on fire.
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| Posted by Randy on 09-Aug-2005 | Flying dangerouslyFlying is not dangerous.
Crashing is dangerous.
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| Posted by John R. Beard on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilots nightmareA pilots nightmare is when he wakes up and finds his co-pilot asleep.
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| Posted by Francisco on 09-Aug-2005 | ClimbYou know your in trouble when the tower say's, "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 09-Aug-2005 | Angle of arrivalThe probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
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| Posted by Lucy G. Van Pelt on 09-Aug-2005 | Aerial PhotosA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
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| Posted by Jason A. Romig on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline foodThe nice thing about airlines???‚¬?„? in-flight meals is that there???‚¬?„?s no confusion about the quality of the food.
The best and the worst tastes exactly the same.
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| Posted by Adam R. Culbertson on 09-Aug-2005 | MaroonedA boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean.
What happened to the crew?
They were marooned.
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| Posted by Saucy Sammy on 09-Aug-2005 | Panic on the flightA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you.
The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine."
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| Posted by Krissy Boo on 09-Aug-2005 | Children and spouses"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
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| Posted by saber saint on 09-Aug-2005 | With our compliments"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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| Posted by Hope moynahan on 09-Aug-2005 | We love youWeather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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| Posted by Cameron Rivard on 09-Aug-2005 | Pick your favorite"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 09-Aug-2005 | Seat beltFrom a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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| Posted by ben kiesel on 09-Aug-2005 | Thanks for the ride"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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| Posted by Haydogg, Wooder on 09-Aug-2005 | Left behindOn landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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| Posted by Kathryn Ellis on 09-Aug-2005 | AppearanceOn a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
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| Posted by Brendan Cross on 09-Aug-2005 | BackwardsPaddy went to a riding stable and hired a horse.
"Hold on for a moment," said the assistant as he helped him on to the horse, "aren't you putting the saddle on backwards?"
"Why, you don't even know which way I want to go!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Xandi on 09-Aug-2005 | BeckhamDavid Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Randy_Andy on 09-Aug-2005 | Pig in bullbarA farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Clueless_3216 on 09-Aug-2005 | First classThere is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.
A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.
She says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.
She says again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine
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| Posted by Steve Bessette on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot vs engineWhat's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Aimee C. Goldberg on 09-Aug-2005 | Speeding ticketA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together."
"Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!?"
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Yisman
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