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| Posted by Hench on 09-Aug-2005 | Piss DrunkOne night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, ???Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.??? The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, ???Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.??? Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, ???Hey, barkeep,??? he burbles, ???I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.??? The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. ???What's so funny???? says the barkeep, ???you just lost everything you won and more!??? ???Well,??? giggles the man, ???I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.???
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| Posted by Funky Monkey on 09-Aug-2005 | Ready to Go Home YetThere was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, 'How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?' The man said, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.'
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| Posted by Huzzah2k on 09-Aug-2005 | Saint Patrick'sSYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
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| Posted by CHIVA on 09-Aug-2005 | Sexy TimepieceA man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, ???Wow, that's a really fancy watch.??? ???Thanks, says the guy, ???It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically.??? ???Rubbish, you're having me on,??? says the girl. ???No, it's true,??? says that guy. ???Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on.??? The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, ???Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on.??? ???Well, it's wrong,??? says the girl, ???I do have panties on.??? ???Damn,??? says the guy, slapping his watch, ???it's an hour fast!???
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| Posted by Chuk Bonyata on 09-Aug-2005 | Shine On, You CrazyHow many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
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| Posted by Alien Offspring on 09-Aug-2005 | Signs That You are TYou lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
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