|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Justin Collingwood on 14-Aug-2005 | Playboy Newstand SpectaclesPlayboy Specialty issues that never made it:
- Girls With Gingivitis
- The "Women" of The Crying Game
- The Women of Home Depot
- 1960's Playmates Grown Old and Wrinkled
- The Girls of Rehab
- Constantly Angry Women
- Girls You Wouldn't Date if You Were the Only Man Alive
- The Women of Circus Sideshows
- Drab, Unsexy Lingerie
- Old Women in Parkas
- Playmates Receiving Oscars (Special April Fool's Issue)
- Invisible Women
- Girls Who Fell and Can't Get Up
- Women of Wal-Mart
- Women Racked With Self Doubt,Feelings of Abandonment, PMS and
Inner Torment
- Chain Smoking Ladies
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by susan on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual Label InstructionsIn case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by allie on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Sofa50 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Sofa
The owner says:
1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.
2. "Have you had your shots?"
3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give
us a call."
4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions
out."
5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder
surgery."
6. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we
found it by the highway."
7. "You can have those Fritos."
8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."
13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard
enough."
15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
16. "It used to be a lot longer."
17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a
saw."
18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
19. "Don't smoke near it."
20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
21. "The fire hardly touched this side."
22. "It only smells this way when it's humid."
You make any of these observations:
23. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
24. The cushions begin crawling away.
25. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And
Proud" bumper sticker.
26. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
27. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to
be moving.
28. It appears to have reached its present location by being
dragged several miles on its side.
29. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
30. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it
himself.
31. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
32. It has its own nickname.
33. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
34. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in
the local paper.
35. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the
armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue gun. 36. There are
mushrooms growing on the back.
37. It seems to generate its own heat.
38. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
39. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the
cushions.
40. It growls when you sit on it.
41. It has a faint smell of ammonia
42. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a
garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a
railroad crossing.
43. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
44. There's a coin slot on the armrest.
45. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
46. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and
taste them.
47. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
48. You hear scampering noises inside.
49. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
50. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Johnny F. Gleason on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas(I actually did all of these)
1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)
2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)
3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")
4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)
5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)
6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)
7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)
8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)
9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)
10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)
11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)
12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)
13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)
14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)
15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)
Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by ANGEL D. HUDSON on 14-Aug-2005 | HoroscopesAquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo's or Leo's with the Ebola virus. You
are the true "Lord of the Dance" no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What're you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss' face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo's are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you've got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by geoff bauer on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Four Wacky Warning Lables1. On a set of shin pads: pads do not protect areas they don't
cover. (Obviously)
2. On a public toilet: Recycled flush water is unsafe to drink.
(Now, that's just nasty)
3. On an electrical router: this product not intended for a
dental drill. (I think my dentist has one of those)
4. On a novelty rock set called popcorn rock: eating rocks may
cause loss of or chipped teeth. (This one is self explanatory)
[IDIOTS]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
