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| Posted by Avi Marcus on 14-Aug-2005 | Pool PartyOnce there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.
One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.
He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want
your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your
cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your
alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."
"Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!"
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| Posted by Andrew B. Mclean on 12-Aug-2005 | Your hairlineyou need to shut up with your 1 2 3 way back hairline.
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 12-Aug-2005 | Moo!!!A man walk in to a bar and says i want 14 beers the bartinder says you can only have 7 at a time the man says what ever give me 7 he drinks thim then he says give me 7 more he drinks thim to he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the bartender says go sit in the corner ! than a nother person comes in he said i want 14 beers he drinks thim he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the guy in the corner says moo!!
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| Posted by DevilsAngel5490 on 12-Aug-2005 | A BarA man walked into a bar......Ouch!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by aSiAnIcEcUbE on 13-Aug-2005 | Yer mayour mas so stupid she sits oan the tele n watches the couch
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| Posted by Adrian on 13-Aug-2005 | Maorihow to get a maori in a bath?put five cents in how do you get a maori out of the bath put soap in.
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| Posted by stemo on 12-Aug-2005 | Your mooma is fat
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| Posted by lucas moore on 13-Aug-2005 | BarbitchuateA bear walks in to the bar and asks the bartender serve me a drink the bartender says no.the bear ask why? the bartender says we dont serve to bears! the bear gets outraged and starts tearin down the bar and eats a woman and leaves. The next day the bear comes back and tells the bartender to serve him a drink or the samething will happen that happen yesterday and the bartender says I told you we dont serve to bears or drug addicts! the bear says drug addict im not a drug addict!the bartender says what about the BAR BITCH YOU ATE! KEEP IN MIND A BARBITCUATE IS A DRUG
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| Posted by BaByGuRLovesBaByTiGeR on 08-Aug-2005 | Two guys walk into a barTwo guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. ;)
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 13-Aug-2005 | Badmintonmy dog minton ate two shuttlecocks
Bad Minton Bad Minton!
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| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 13-Aug-2005 | Stupid but funny
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR.
WHAT WAS THE 1ST WORD
HE SAID.............
OUCH
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 13-Aug-2005 | OldYour so old you pee rust and fart dust
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| Posted by Xandi on 08-Aug-2005 | gorrillaIt was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, "Wanna see something neat?"
He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.
When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, "Wanna try it?"
The drunk said, "Sure, just don't hit me too hard with the bat!"
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| Posted by Marie-Eve Gagne on 09-Aug-2005 | Gay barThis man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it's a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says "Wanna play football"
The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says "alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.
So the man says I'm goin' for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.
The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.
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| Posted by Danny Landau on 09-Aug-2005 | 15 Signs You Drank T15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping ??” with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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| Posted by Robert L. Blake on 09-Aug-2005 | A Horse Walks Into aA horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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| Posted by jennifer on 10-Aug-2005 | Making a confessionA drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional,
and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knocking,' pal.
There's no paper."
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| Posted by Bill Scoby on 12-Aug-2005 | 2 men on top off a buildingTo men are at the top of a building having a drink,and one says to the other i bet you i can jump out this window and in 5 seconds jump back in.\"NEVER\" the man says. so the man jumps out and jumps back in, so the other man says i bet i can, so he jumps out falls and dies, the barmaid comes u to the other man and says u an be a silly boy when your drunk superman
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| Posted by Faisal Moussly on 12-Aug-2005 | I will tell you a jokewell i will tell you somthing dirty a boy fell in mud i will tell you somthing clean the boy had a barthwith bubbels and i will tell you somthing sick bubbels is the girl next door
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 12-Aug-2005 | Sexy
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| Posted by Craig R. Irvine on 12-Aug-2005 | Fridge mayonaiseQ:What did the mayonaise say to the person oneping the fridge door
A:close the door im dressing
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| Posted by Dinah on 13-Aug-2005 | Assholeswhy do people scream like a asshole when Bob comes in?
i dont know, that is why i am asking you
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| Posted by wraith on 13-Aug-2005 | English man irish man & scottish manthere was a english man irish man scots & man they all went to a
magic slide the english man goes down the slide and wishes for a pot of gold and lands in a pot of gold the scottish went down the slide and wishes for a pot of silver and lands in a pot of silver the irish man goes down the slide and gose weeeeeeeee and lands in a buckit of wee !!!!!
by louis nicholson
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| Posted by Jennifer S. Chmielewski on 13-Aug-2005 | Airport JokesWhat did Mohammed say to Sahid just before they got on the plane? "Is that a bomb in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
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| Posted by bigbs16 on 13-Aug-2005 | Matapang dawsa isang bayan ng batangas may isang maton ..pag ito ay nalalasing ay lagi na lang naghahanap ng away ..isang araw ay lasing na lasing ang maton ..LABAS LUMABAS ANG MATAPANG..so alang lumabas balik uli siya sa inuman ng walang sabi sabi ay may nagpaputok ng baril..BANG!!sino yun ha ..(sabi ng lasing)AKO BAKIT MAY REKLAMO!!(SABI NAMAN NOONG NAGPAPUTOK NG BARIL)(MATON)ang lakas ng putok e bingi akooo..
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| Posted by Mike J. Rees on 13-Aug-2005 | Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't...Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
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Funny Quotes:bar jokes | (2610) : The Top 13 Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese |
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| Posted by Terry Emhemed on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese
13> Fell for that fake back-hair removal scam. Again.
12> Mayor McCheese got a little kinky.
11> Hey, stalking Kirstie Alley isn't for amateurs.
10> "Okay, so maybe 'Gigli' didn't make a whole lot of money, but I have this idea for a great sequel...."
9> "The directions in the old family recipe I'm following are very explicit."
8> The thrill of being the future Mrs. Federline is starting to wane.
7> Participating in a lactose-intolerance clinical trial by wearing a full-body "nacho cheese" patch.
6> Excessive tequila shots + Mexican-style fondue = one nudist wedding gone seriously awry.
5> Because getting stoned in a hot pink "Home of the Whopper" boy-kini while standing ass-deep in mango chutney would be WRONG!
4> Eight Jaeger Bombs into the kegger, that babe from Omega House just *had* to ask, "So why do they call you Chip?"
3> After being ostracized from your party after that screaming incident, you really didn't have anything to lose politically.
2> Trying to beat Courtney Love to the punch.
1> You'd prefer *sober*, naked and covered with nacho cheese?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by LeaveMeBe on 08-Aug-2005 | Four Gay men in a BarQ: Four gay men walk in a bar to
have beer they find only on chair. What do they do to all sit down?
A: They turn the chair upside down and sit on the legs.
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| Posted by Laura Brown on 08-Aug-2005 | Fag barTwo fags walk into a gay bar. One fag says to the other, "Do you cum here often?"
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| Posted by Chris J. Uptmor on 08-Aug-2005 | Are you my wife?A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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