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| Posted by wraith on 14-Aug-2005 | Problem aboard
'Curiosity'
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.
When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."
"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."
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| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | Where Did We Crash?Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the
wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the
year before.
When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the
pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot
regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the
weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to
fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three
of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the
engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the
ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do
you have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from
where we crashed last year.
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| Posted by Rostik Kuskovsky on 14-Aug-2005 | the man who broke down in his vana man is driving along the highway in his van when he suddenly
hears a
"tttttttttssssss!" sound.
He pulls over and gets out of his van to see what the sound
was,he sees his tyre is flat so he gets the jack and starts
cranking up the wheel when a man comes from nowhere and smashes
his window and steals his radio.
The man with the burst tyre says"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE DOING?"
The other man replys "well if your having the tyres i'm having
the radio"
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| Posted by Dr Drew on 14-Aug-2005 | A Bloned HikeOne day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said "Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?" Then the red head said "I brought water in case we get
thristy!" Then the blonde said " Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!"
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | hellA man goes to hell and is very upset and is crying.
The devil approaches him and says that hell is not such a bad
place
" Hell's ok" And the devil says "When you were alive did you
like women?"
The man replies "Loved them, they are great!"
"Well, you are going to love Monday's, you can have any women
and as many as you like" says the devil.
"What about drinking, alchol?" says the devil.
"Well, I had my own home brew and drinking was my hobby" says
the man.
"Tuesday, all the alchol you can have and of any sort" says the
devil.
"Now what about drugs?" says the devil.
"I dabbled in drugs at college." says the man.
"Wednesday all the drugs you want." says the devil.
"Now what about men? Did you, you know, like men?" says the
devil.
"Absolutely not, no way!" says the man.
"Well your going to hate Thursday then!" says the devil.
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| Posted by Justin Hiracheta on 14-Aug-2005 | Tramp's CarThere was a poor man who lived on the street, and one day he won
10 million pounds on the lottery. The first thing he did was to
go and buy a Rolls-Royce. Feeling happy, he was driving down the
motorway in his new car when a police car drove past.
The policeman looked at the car, then looked at the driver.
Since the car was the first thing the tramp had bought, and he
hadn't yet got around to buying some smart clothes, he still
looked like a tramp. The policeman noticed this and pulled him
over onto the hard shoulder.
"You don't look like the sort of person who could afford such a
great car," said the policeman. "I have a strong suspicion that
you stole it."
"No," replied the tramp, "it's my car."
"Get out of the car," said the policeman. The tramp obliged. The
policeman took a piece of chalk out of his pocket and drew a
circle on the road, a few metres from the car.
"Right, I want you to stand in that chalk circle and don't move
from there. I want you to admit that this isn't your car."
"Officer, It IS my own car."
"If you don't admit to having stolen it, I'm going to scratch
the paintwork."
The tramp didn't say anything, so the policeman turned around,
took his keys out of his pocket and proceeded to gauge deep
scratches in the paintwork all around the car. He looked at the
tramp. "What do you think of THAT then!"
The policeman was puzzled to see that the tramp had a big grin
on his face. "If you admit that you stole this car then you
won't spend as much time in prison. If you don't admit it, then
I'll slash the tyres."
The tramp said nothing so the policeman took out a knife and
slashed all four tyres. When he looked back at the tramp he saw
that he was giggling--most odd.
"Right," said the policeman, quite angry now. "I'll give you one
last chance. YOU STOLE THE CAR DIDN'T YOU! If you don't admit it
I'm going to trash the Rolls-Royce."
"No officer, it's my car."
Furious, the policeman opened the boot and took out a can of
petrol. He poured petrol all over the seats, took out a match
and threw it into the window. The car went up in flames. The
policeman turned back to find the tramp doubled over in laughter.
"Okay, now I KNOW that it's not you car. If it was your car you
wouldn't be laughing like this, after I've just destroyed it."
"I maintain that it's my own car, officer," said the tramp
between giggles. "I just won the lottery and I decided to treat
myself."
"But why the hell are you laughing though???"
"Because," said the tramp, hardly able to get the words out
between gasps of laughter, "every time you turned around, I
jumped out of the circle!"
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| Posted by Richard R. Dooley on 14-Aug-2005 | I am NEVER flying again!10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars."
9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase."
7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!"
6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package."
5.) "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed."
4.) "Due to fog at O'Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled."
3.) "Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting."
2.) "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila."
1.) "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SHIT!" I am
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| Posted by Princess foxy on 14-Aug-2005 | Trip to Newfoundland HALIFAX TO GANDER
12 DAYS - 4 NIGHTS
JAN. 21 - FEB. 30
Itinerary
1st Day: Leave Halifax International Airport 4:35am. All passengers
travel first class aboard Air Newf's Uni-Engine Jumbo Jet.
2nd day: In Air
3rd day: In Air
4th day: In Air
5th day: Arrive Gander 9:00pm and on to Gander Curling Club, 3rd floor,
basement annex for box dinner of clam chowder and soda crackers.
6th day: After breakfast, complete city tour of gander, 9:30am-9:30am.
Free time for shop lifting followed by a fabulous 9-course meal
consisting of: Rabbit Soup, One Seal Flipper Pie, Cod Bits and a
Six-pack.
7th day: Tour of countryside in the comfort of a U.S. war surplus Jeep
left behind after the historical American evacuation.
8th day: Back to town for a tour of the new Civic Library. Everyone will
get to see the book.
9th day: Board waiting Jumbo Jet to the Mainland. Only three quick stops
(two for fuel and one for directions.)
10th day: In Air
11th day: In Air
12th day: Arrive Halifax between 10:00am and Midnight, depending on
weather conditions and fuel supply.
ONLY $49.50 per couple.
* Includes transportation, meals, drugs, tours, transfers, hotel, first
aid and parachute (opens on impact) *
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| Posted by Jerrette R. Frank on 14-Aug-2005 | Picking your ass?This is a true story that actually happened to me.
I was on a field trip to New York City with my friend Emmanuel. We were on
one of those nicer buses with the bucket seats. During the ride we would
complain to each other if one of us were over in the other's territory,
you know, over the crack between the seats. On the way home at night my
friend was lying against the window trying to get some sleep. I saw him
reach over near his ass and I said, "What are you doing, picking your
ass?" And he says, "No, I'm just feeling the crack."
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| Posted by XX2Gurly4UXX on 14-Aug-2005 | VacationSanta Clause, The Easter Bunny, and a Lepercon all go on a
vacation. They are all drivin in the car when they all have to
go to the bathroom so they pull over at this hotel. They all go
inside and the Lepercon asked the secritary when the bathroom
is.
The Secretary says it's down the hall and to the left, but it's
haunted.But the Lepercon really has to go so he does anyway. So
he go's into the bathroom. Then all of a sudden a ghost pops out
of nowhere and says I'm the ghost say's "I'm the ghost of
Lamborgini I'll cut off your balls and eat your weiny."The
Lepercon just ran out of the bathroom and ran away as quick as
he could. Then The Easter Bunny wasn't goin to go in but he
really had to so he did. Then when he got in there the ghost
said "I'm the ghost of Lamborgini I'll cut off your ball and eat
your weiny." And then the Easter Bunny runs off. So then Santa
say's "I really have to go to the bathroom." so he goes in and
then the ghost says again "I'm the ghost of Lamborgini I'll cut
off your balls and eat your weiny." Santa replies, "I'm the
ghost of Christmas Past you touch my ball I kick your ass."
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| Posted by assyrian king on 14-Aug-2005 | Friendly HawaiiWhy are Hawaiians considered to be so friendly?
They can hardly wait until you get off the plane to give you a lei.
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| Posted by Adam Schell on 14-Aug-2005 | Big CigarOne day there was a newly wed couple driving down the highway. Two truck
drivers were also driving down that same highway. The passenger in the
truck said "I have to take a shit!" "We're not stopping!" said the driver.
"Stick your ass out the window and shit." So the man did, but the driver
rolled the window up and squeezed his butt-cheeks together! Then the
newlywed couple drove by and the woman said, "honey, look at the big cigar
that guy's smoking!"
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| Posted by Da MaN D on 14-Aug-2005 | UngabungaThree guys get stranded on a island after crashing their boat
were captured by the native tribe. A man who appeared to be
their leader or chief approached the first guy and asked him
with his firm and manly voice, "Do you want death or Ungabunga?"
The man thought to himself for a minute and replied, "Well I
don't want to die, so I'll take Ungabunga," not knowing what
Ungabunga meant. The Leader announces to his people,
"Ungabunga!" Then all of a sudden hundreds of men start running
to the guy and start raping him, shouting, "Ungabunga!
Ungabunga! Ungabunga!"
The chief then goes to the second guy and says, "Do you want
death or Ungabunga?" The guy thinks to himself for a few minutes
and replies, "I don't want to die. I'll take Ungabunga."
"UngaBunga! Ungabunga! Ungabunga!" The Indians shouted as they
all raped him.
The Chief then goes to the third guy and says, "Do you want
death or Ungabunga?" The man replies, "I'd rather die than take
Ungabunga. I'll take death." The chief then climbs a rock where
he is visible to all the tribe members. "DEATH..............."
He shouts, "BY UNGABUNGA!!!"
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| Posted by Erik Broome on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do At A Bus StopThings to do at a bus stop
1. Cross out the bus number and write a new number in.
2. Ask people if you can borrow some floss.
3. Bonus if they give you some.
4. Take your boom box and play it loudly, if someone askes you
to turn it off, turn it up and pretend like you can't hear them.
5. Lay on the bench so nobody else can sit down.
6. Go tanning on the bench.
7. Ask the bus driver if he could wait while you go use the rest
room.
8. Try to ride your bike onto the bus, when you can't, complain
that they should have bike ramps on the bus.
9. Leave ransome notes on the bench.
10. Stare at someone, when they stare back say, "Steve, I knew
it was you, how's it going?" Keep talking until they get on the
bus.
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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Man Without a TieA traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like
to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can
get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come
in here without a tie!"
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| Posted by dirtmotox yzlife on 14-Aug-2005 | Smart Rednecks in Taxi RideFive young men from the country were new to big city travel, but they'd
always heard how important it is to stand up for themselves when dealing
with cab drivers. They stopped a taxi driver, asking him to take them to
airport.
All along the way they kept threatening the driver, saying, "We're smart,
mister! Don't take the longest way to airport or we'll know!" They
continued to pester him, saying, "We will not pay you anything if you
cheat us, mister, so you'd better be straight with us."
When they finally arrived at the airport, the driver wanted to avoid
having a hassle with the passengers. Just to be sure he didn't have any
trouble collecting, he planned on reducing the fare by one-half of his
normal trip rate. He'd already had a long day, and didn't need the problem.
As the car finally came to a stop after a twenty minute drive to the
airport, the driver said, "O.K. We've arrived at the airport, and..."
"What's your fare, mister?!" the leader interrupted the driver rudely.
"And remember we are smart about you guys," he reminded the driver one
more time.
"To show you guys how great I am to visitors of our fine city, I am going
to charge you only $10. Normally, I'd charge at least $20.00 for your
trip. Please pay that and we'll be square."
"O.K.," they replied.
One passenger to the other said, "We sure showed him, didn't we?" as they
paid the driver $10.00 each.
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| Posted by Cameron Gaut on 14-Aug-2005 | KissameAman and his wife were driving their car across the country and were
nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissame. They noted the strange spelling
and tried to figure out how to pronounce it. So they went to a fast food
place and orderd two hamburgers, and the wife asked, "What is the name of
this place? And say it very slowly so I can understand it?" The casheer
replied, "Buuuuuurrrrrrrrggggeeerrrrr Kiiiiinnnnnnggggggg."
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| Posted by Rubester on 14-Aug-2005 | Put Your Jacket on BackwardsTwo bikers were riding down a country road on a Harley. The driver's
leather jacket wouldn't stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he
pulled over. "Just put your jacket on backwards," his buddy suggested.
Then they zoomed off down the road, until they hit a curve at high speed
and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.
"Is either of them showing any sign of life?" asked the officer.
"Well, the first one was" replied the farmer, "until I turned his head
around the right way."
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| Posted by MOS on 14-Aug-2005 | TupeeAn airstewardess was attending to passengers on an aircraft one day when a
lady approached her looking very angry.
"Excuse me," said the lady, "but I would like to make a complaint!"
"Yes maam?" the stewardess replied.
"I was taking a nap just now when i felt somebody tugging at my panties
and touching my pussy. Tried as i might but I still couldn't find the
culprit !".
The stewardess thought that the lady was trying to play a prank and didn't
take her seriously. Nevertheless, she told the lady that she would look
into the matter straight away.
As she continued serving the passengers, another woman approached her with
the same story. Perplexed, she decided to investigate.
While making her way to the back of the aircraft, she chanced upon an old
man crawling on the floor as though searching for something.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?", she said.
" Yes please, my dear lady", he replied. "You see, I am blind, and as luck
would have it, I seemed to have lost my tupee. Could you help me find it?"
"What kind of a tupee, sir?"
"Well, it's kind of small and parted at the side. Twice I thought I had
found it but those were parted at the center."
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| Posted by Mulder lover (I'm Scully) on 14-Aug-2005 | What time is it?A couple was on vacation when they realized they had left their watches at
the hotel. They saw a man resting with his donkey and asked him if he knew
what time it was. The man looked up and grabbed the donkeys balls, lifted
them up and said, "Well it looks like it's 2:10 in the afternoon." The
couple amazed at the mans ability to tell time by lifting the donkeys
balls, asked, "How can you tell time by lifting the donkeys balls?" The
man said, "It's very easy, first you lift the donkeys balls like this," he
then lifted them as the couple watched. "O.K" The man said, "Now you can
see the clock on the wall over there."
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| Posted by Salman S. Dossa on 14-Aug-2005 | Hungry?There were two guys who needed a place to stay, so they came to
a farmer's house. The farmer agreed to let them stay as long as
they didn't eat his vegetables and fruits. During the night, the
men got hungry and decided to sneak out anyway and get a bite to
eat from his garden. In the morning, the farmer knew what they
had done.
"I'll punish you," he promised. "Now, both of you go get
one hundred of your favorite fruit or vegetable out of the
garden and then come back." One of the men came back first, and
he had picked one hundred grapes. Then the farmer told him,"OK,
now shove one up your nose." The man did. "Now another." The man
started to protest, but the farmer pulled out a gun. "Put it
up!!" shouted the farmer. The man did, and then chuckled to
himself. "ANOTHER!" the man chuckled, and then did again. After
about five miniutes of this, the farmer had it. "Why are you
laughing?" he asked. The guy replied, "Man, my buddy's out there
picking watermelons!"
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| Posted by Elizabeth on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 fun things to do at an airport or on an airplan1. In the bathroom make paper airplanes and throw them into
stalls.
2. Say your in Northwest ask the lady at the front desk if this
is Southwest.
3. Whisper quietly but loud enough for someone else to hear
you, "Do you think we should blow up the plane now?"
4. Ask at the front desk if she could call someone up there
named "bea reject."
5. If your in the back get up every minute and knock on the
bathroom door and say, "Hey you having fun?"
6. Accidentally when you reach for the overhead compartment let
your bag fall out onto someone's head.
7. Keep telling the steward in a French voice do you have any
Grey Poupon.
8. Pretend to sing along but sing something stupid like "ketchup
and mustard are yummy on bread" or "saggy butt cheeks saggy saggy
butt cheeks."
9. Halfway through the flight go up to the pilots and say, "I
think I left my coat at the airport could we turn around?"
10. Sit in the back and when people walk by stick your foot out.
11. (bonus) got to the bathroom and stay in there the whole
flight making sex noises.
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| Posted by DIRRTYbarbie on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Do on an Airplane- When the flight attendant asks you if you would like some
peanuts, say, "Whoa! slow down there! we barely know each other!"
- Yell "Fire in the hole!"
- Ring for the flight attendant and then ask "are we there yet?"
- When it's sleeping time, after a while, see if you can go to
every row and open up the windows.
- Call for an all-out food fight and see if you can get people
to join in.
- When eating, ask the stranger next to you, "Are you gonna eat
that?"
- Before going to the bathroom, ask the flight attendant if the
bathroom is (make up a word) like "is this bathroom
intersaniable?" Or "is this bathroom non malapated?"
- When watching the movie, change the sound channels of the
stranger next to you without him noticing.
- Yell "There's something on the wing!!!"
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| Posted by Meagan Fisher on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things To Do On An Airplane1. Hit the stewardess button and tell her that your friend next
to you is having a baby. Have your friend make all sorts of
noises. (Works especially well, if your friend is a guy)
2. Take the telephone out of its holder and attempt to strangle
the person sitting in front of you.
3. Hit the stewardess button as many times as possible and when
she comes, blame it on your stuffed animal. Say he gets
hyperactive riding on airplanes and does mischievious stuff.
4. Use the Call Button to ask the flight attendent on a date.
5. When the flight attendent comes around for drinks, request
food. When they ask what meal you would like, ask for a drink.
6. When you get your meal/peanuts or whatever, dump it in the
persons hair in front of you
7. Before you get on the plane go to the Sky Cap and ask them if
you can deliver this bag to Chicago, this one to Detroit, and
this one to Atlanta. If he says no, say, "Why not, you did it
last time."
8. Have extremely loud conversations on which Olsen twin is more
talented
9. If sitting next to someone you don't know attempt to stick
q-tips in various parts of the body (i.e. ears, nose, don't get
too excited)
10. Bring on a CD Player and the Soundtrack to Saturday Night
Feaver. Dance until physically restrained.
11. Hold a Sing-A-Long.
12. Look out the window and point at stuff, claim you know that
person.
13. When they serve you your food ask them what it is and tell
them it dosen't look edible. (most of the time the stewerdess
will agree with you)
14. Bring a live chicken on board. When you are given your food,
hide it and put the chicken on trey table. Press the call
button, and say your dinner needs to be cooked more.
15. Put your stuffed animal in the barf bag and say it found a
new home
16. Take off your trey table, and hand it to the person in front
of you.
17. If you are sitting at least 2 seats away from the aisle, get
up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If questioned say. I
think the gum is getting to me.
18. Pull down the oxygen masks and place all three on your head
at once.
19. Bring 2 Lobsters on the Plane. Paint Numbers on the back,
and race them down the aisle. See how many people you can get to
bet on this race. Have a board stating odds.
20. Bring a sock puppet on board, and communicate with everyone
with it. (please note, this works better with people older then
4) If someone questions the words of the sock explain to them
that they have affended the sock king and will be attacked by a
giant ball of lint.
21. Clip your toe nails
22. Play with the lights for about an hour. If someone asks say
your making strobe lights.
23. Select captains and play a game of tackle football in the
aisle.
24. Two Words: Strip Poker
25. Bring on board Spam and a hot plate. Cook the spam and offer
it to other passengers.
26. When the lady comes and asks you for a drink say "Vodka
Martini shaken not stired" and when she says your not old enough
shout and scream and pound your tray until you make such a
racket that she gives in.
27. Play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos
28. Attempt to get on the PA and start a game of Simon Says
29. Demand that you get both the arm rests and shove the persons
arm off.
30. Every few minutes press the call button and ask the
steward/stewardess "Are we there yet?"
31. When you first get on, take the empty seat next to you and
pretend your invisible friend is there. When someone trys to sit
there scream and fuss and say they can't sit on Joe.
32. When the pilot comes over the PA system cower in fear and
scream, "It's those voices again!"
33. When you notice someone getting up to go to the bathroom,
immidiately jump out of your seat, run down the aisle, push the
person out of the way and bolt into the bathroom, stay in the
bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour.
34. When the flight attendent gives you there drink list ask
them for drinks not on the list, keep this up for at least 10
minutes.
35. If you_re on a plane that is showing a movie, find the VCR,
and put in a porn movie, this works particularly well when you
know the first movie would be one that younger children would
like.
36. Bring a trombone on board, while playing it, attempt to hit
as many people as possible with the slide of the trombone, then
yell at them for getting in your way.
37. Using a fishing rod attempt to catch other people's dinner
off their trey table.
38. When sitting in first class ask for a big meal. Leave the
meal alone, and just eat the napkin, when the flight attendent
comes back to check on you, say the forgot your napkin. When
they come back with a new napkin, eat that one as well, keep
this up for the remainder of the flight, making sure not to eat
any of the food that they gave you.
39. When traveling through clouds, open an umbrella. When
experiencing Turbulence scream "Earthquake!" Then run into the
cock pit and hide.
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| Posted by lindsay farterous on 14-Aug-2005 | A Policeman, Ninja, and TerroristOne day a policeman, a ninja, and a terrorist were on a plane.
The policeman threw his gun out the window for good luck. The
nija threw his sword out the window for good luck. The terrorist
threw a bomb out the window for good luck.
Later, the policeman saw two little girls crying. He walked over
to them and said, why are you crying. One girl replied, "Some
idiot threw his gun out the window and it shot our father."
The ninja saw two boys crying. He asked,"Why are you crying?"
The little boys said, "Some idiot threw a sword out the window
and cut our daddy in half."
The terrorist saw a little girl laughing histerically. He said,
"What's so funny?" The little girl replied, "My dad farted and
the neighbor's house blew up!"
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| Posted by Assmonkey on 14-Aug-2005 | Different Suggestion"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need a different suggestion."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii, and when I returned my wife was
pregnant."
"Yes, but ..."
" And the year before you suggested Bermuda, and when I returned my wife
was pregnant."
"Yes, but..."
"And the year before that, when I went to Bali, I returned and my wife was
pregnant."
" Yes, but..."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring
her with me?"
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| Posted by Matt Lackey on 14-Aug-2005 | Not His DayA young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick
up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the
blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled
over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could
give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his
ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists
to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes,
and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and
began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get
something's help.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled
man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin. The
man explained his plight... The trucker stepped down from his
truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just
ain't been your day, has it boy!"
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| Posted by Dana K. Kam on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Do at a Beach* Throw your beach ball at the people in front of you, or next
to you, then complain that they were supposed to throw it back.
* Go to inches into the water then scream below you, "Carol!?
Stay calm!"
* Bring a picnic basket full of small foods, sniff each piece,
then throw it behind you.
* Go near strangers in the water and say to them "My bubble was
bigger than your."
* Take a raft, and sit on the shore. When someone walks by you,
roll off into the inch-deep water, and yell to them "I was just
settling in!"
* Talk in an accent that no one can understand, and ask people,
"Scuze me, have you seen a suitcase of money lying around?"
* In fresh water say, "Is that a shark? Oh, no, wait, that's
just the life-guard."
* Say to the life guard, "Isn't my son a great swimmer?" Point
to no where and then yell "Oh my god, Timmy!"
* Swim in the sand.
* When the waves come, say, "Here come the munchies."
* Say to someone, "I'm a tourist, but isn't this the beach that
4 teenagers died of toxic waste poisoning?"
* Introduce yourself to the waves, then start crying when they
crash on the shore.
* Bump into someone underwater, then say, "Sorry, I thought you
were someone else." Keep doing this to them.
* (Do this one only if you're with a friend, and you both know
about it). One person goes into the water, then the other one
yells, "No! Don't walk into the pool of diseases!" If people
start to look at you, say, "Oh, no. Don't worry, it's just a
game we play. Course, it was only a game to little Johnny, too.
Well, have fun at the beach everyone!"
* Bring different language dictionaries, and start talking to
the water looking at the dictionaries sometimes. When it doesn't
respond, get another one and say, "So what language do you
speak?"
* Bring a long-john with you to the water, drop it, and yell,
"Help Johnny! Save my little dough-boy. He's too young to die!!!"
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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | A long lost brotherA North Dakotan went to New York on a buisness trip. When the trip was
over, he took a taxi cab to get to the airport. The cab driver heard how
the intelligance of the North Dakotans lacks, so, he turned to the North
Dakotan and said "My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was my
sister, who was the 3rd?" the North Dakotan had no idea. "You Idiot! The
3rd one was ME!" The North Dakotan went home to his wife and kissed her.
"Hey, honey!" said the North Dakotan. His wife responded saying "What?"
The North Dakotan said "My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was
my sister, who was the 3rd one?" His wife was stumped "I don't know, Who?"
the North Dakotan responded saying "Some cab driver in New York."
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| Posted by Ali Walker on 14-Aug-2005 | Things that can go wrong on an airplaneMy friend and I used to joke about all that could happen wrong
when we traveled together.
1) I fart and the oxagen masks fly down
2) I fart and burn a whole through the plane and we have to land
3) I have to go to the restroom so bad and someone is in it so I
lift my leg on the door
4) I ride underneath the plane with the luggage
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