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| Posted by sum messed up retard on 11-Aug-2005 | Problem SolvedA worried man goes to his doctor and explains, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong with my digestive system!" "If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I'm worried, Doc; What do you suggest?"
The doctor said calmly, "No problem, eat shit."
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| Posted by Silly One on 11-Aug-2005 | Life as an eggSo you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is...
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now don't you feel better)
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| Posted by Tim Smith on 11-Aug-2005 | The Birth of a Candy BarOne PAYDAY MR.GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took miss HERSHEY'S behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and 5thAVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed " OH HENRY" while squeezing his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. Miss HERSHEY'S said: you are even better than the 3 MUSKATEERS. Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
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| Posted by Cool Beans Girl on 11-Aug-2005 | Banana Loaf2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !
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| Posted by Allison L. Benaderet on 11-Aug-2005 | BeansOne of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."
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| Posted by Noreen Hassan on 11-Aug-2005 | Cyanide WatermelonThe was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It says, ???Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.??? So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which reads, ???Now there are two.???
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