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():holiday jokes (333): Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's... |
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| Posted by Globegirl Yeates on 09-Aug-2005 | Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's...
Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.
10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
missing.
9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex ... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?
8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.
7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.
6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.
5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.
4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.
3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can't we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You'd like him -- he's a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I'll go out with you.. but only casually
(at first this seems innocent until you realize it
means "You buy me food, movies, and
parking, and in the end, I'll break your heart")
You're the only one for me. (when said by a man)
You can trust me. (ditto)
Someday, it'll happen to you (when said by anyone
married).
2. Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.
....and the #1 way I'm spending valentine's:
1. Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter
about not owning stock in Hallmark.
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():holiday jokes (333): TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE... |
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| Posted by Sexbabe on 09-Aug-2005 | TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE...
TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE
10. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
8. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
6. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman
4. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
3. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy
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():holiday jokes (333): Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects... |
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| Posted by ~rAcHel~ on 09-Aug-2005 | Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects...
Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects
BATON ROUGE, La. (Reuters) - A singing Christmas tree tattled on two teenage
burglary suspects in Louisiana, leaving the boys with backsides full of
buckshot rather than handfuls of loot, police said Tuesday.
Businessman Leon Wilson, Sr., 59, had been robbed twice last week, so he
started sleeping in his store Friday night and set up a makeshift burglar
alarm -- a motion-activated toy Christmas tree his wife had perched near the
store's cash register. Wilson said the toy annoyed him everytime someone
walked by.
When motion is detected, the tree's eyes pop open, its mouth moves and it
calls out "Merry Christmas, Everybody!" before singing "Jingle Bells." Wilson
set up the toy near the door and stretched out on a couch in the back.
Early Monday morning, the singing Christmas tree went off and he spotted two
burglars near the cash register, armed with a crowbar they allegedly used to
pry open the door, Wilson said.
"They spotted me and bolted for the door and I started shooting, aiming low
cause I didn't want to kill them," he said. "I don't think the Lord would have
blessed me for that. But now, maybe, burglars won't come back here."
Baton Rouge police said the two 16-year-old suspects, one with buckshot in
his buttocks and the other with a minor leg wound, were arrested on burglary
charges and released to their parents.
Police did not identify the boys because they are juveniles.
Police said no charges were filed against Wilson, although the case will be
forwarded to the district attorney for review.
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():holiday jokes (333): Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged... |
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| Posted by Trent Reeve on 09-Aug-2005 | Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged...
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald
Angels Sing...About Me!
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town...OH!!!!!! Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Town...And He Is Out to Get Me!
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then maybe I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to
Me...and then took it all away!
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():holiday jokes (333): Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have... |
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