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Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

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	():nerd jokes (650): New Hoax

Posted by Tim Brand on 14-Aug-2005

New Hoax

I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important.

Please send this to everyone.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
and asks you to show him your ass, DO NOT show him your ass. This a
SCAM! He only wants to see your ass. I wish I'd gotten this
yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap!

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	():nerd jokes (650): mother of all old jokes

Posted by Jackson Relter on 13-Aug-2005

mother of all old jokes

A new prisoner walking into prison for the first time was heading towards his cell, when someone called out ''15''. and quite a few men started laughing. The new prisoner thought to himself they aren't too smart I am older than 15, walking out on further someone called out ''24'' and place just went wild with all the guys laughing so hard.

So the prisoner walks on thinking these guys really don't know how old I am....when someone yelled out ''35'' and the place just went ballistic. Finally the prisoner made it too his cell and asked his new roomie what the calling of numbers meant.

''Well'' said the roomie ''we have all been here so long, and have heard the same jokes so many times that we have just numbered the jokes.''

''Hmm mind if I give it a try?'' said the newbie.

Newbie steps up to the bars and yells ''27'' and it is quiet. newbie looks around and yells ''31'' and again quiet and finally he yells ''46'' and again quiet. newbie steps back and turns to his roomie and says ''I don't understand, no one laughed at all.''

''Well kid'' said the roomie, ''Some people can tell a joke and some can't.''

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	():nerd jokes (650): Chip bags

Posted by Eddie P. Yeti on 13-Aug-2005

Chip bags

An Irishman goes into a chip shop and asks for a bag of chips. "what do you want, a 50 or 99 bag?" asked the woman. The Paddy replies, "If you are going to count them I'll have a bloody pie."

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	():nerd jokes (650): Garn

Posted by jen on 13-Aug-2005

Garn

Words were the big topic of the million dollar television quiz show where Professor Geewhiz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he couldn't put into a sentence.

"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row.

"Garn?" said the professor, "Garn? It's not a swear word, is it?"

"No," said the punter in the third row, "Garn."

Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.

"You've stumped him," said the MC, "How do you use the word, sir?"

"Garn get fucked," said the punter who was immediately thrown out and the show closed until further notice.

It took the network twelve months to get over it. Finally they had the gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would have to screen the audience in future.

On the opening night they scrutinized each member of the public as they arrived before asking for the first word.

A man is the third row wearing a vicar's collar a beard put his hand up. "Smee," he said.

"Smee?" said the professor, "Smee?" The seconds ticked away and he was forced to concede on the very first word.

After the applause had died down the MC asked the punter, how do you use the word?"

The punter stood up, pulled his false beard off and said, "Smee again - Garn get fucked!"

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	():nerd jokes (650): Jumping for fun

Posted by Adam on 13-Aug-2005

Jumping for fun

one day a man was jumping on a manhole cover and yelling 31! 31! 31! another guy came up to him and said "what are you doing? you look like a complete ass!" the guy that was jumping replied "it's a game, you wanna try? it's actually pretty fun." so the guy get son the manhole cover and starts hopping up and down saying 31 31 31 31.

the first guy said "no no no! your doing it wrong, you have to jump higher and yell louder"

so the guy jumps up and yells 31! and as soon as he does that, the first guy pulls the manhole cover out from under him and makes him fall down the hole. He then puts the manhole cover back on, gets on it again and resumes jumping and yelling 32! 32! 32! 32!

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