Funny quotes

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Quotes. . . .

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I piss you off in the process.

- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

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	():funny quotes (263): Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

Posted by Jay Leenerts on 14-Aug-2005

Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work.... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ...
there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."

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	():funny quotes (263): Funny quotes

Posted by Will F. Murray on 14-Aug-2005

Funny quotes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-

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	():funny quotes (263): Husband Quotes

Posted by aSiAnIcEcUbE on 14-Aug-2005

Husband Quotes

1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like
to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on
the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God
created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then,
neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About
5 drinks.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your willpower."

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't
know son, I'm still paying!"

18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was "Always."

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	():funny quotes (263): Quiz

Posted by Amanda L. Trella on 14-Aug-2005

Quiz

This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the
answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where
should the survivors be buried?
2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?
3. How many months have 28 days?
4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?
5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?
6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?
7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile
east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to
arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?
8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg
roll to the left side or to the right side?
9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66
miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35
miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow?
10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?

ANSWERS:

1. You don't bury survivors.
2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did.
3. All twelve of them.
4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods.
5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC.
6. One (spiraling) on each side.
7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is
white.
8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do.
9. Electric trains don't blow smoke.
10. The outside.

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