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| Posted by Mera Roloff on 09-Aug-2005 | RailroadTwo drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk replies, "Yes, but have you seen how low the hand rail is?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Megan S. Renner on 14-Aug-2005 | Handy Arab PhrasesUseful Phrases To Know When Traveling Through Arab Countries:
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous
gun.
FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your
kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my
legs apart
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have
ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you
to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYE MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my
genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and
addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI! Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold would be lovely, your
excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The
water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
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| Posted by Dazza on 09-Aug-2005 | Haircut before a tripA man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
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| Posted by Manoj Joshi on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline foodIt was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
She replied, "Yes or No."
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| Posted by Joe Mama on 14-Aug-2005 | OrangeWhy did the orange go to Yukon?
Beacause Florida was too hot and had a hurricane!
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| Posted by Kris10 on 09-Aug-2005 | Smoking sectionHeard on a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light'em, you can smoke 'em."
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| Posted by Matt A. Rogers on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 In a TrainThere was a man, woman and gay in a train and the train went
into a tunnel. As it is an old fashioned train, there were no
lights so it went pitch black. Then there was a kissing sound
and a slapping sound. When the lights came back on, the man and
woman were sitting like nothing had happened and the gay was
rubbing his cheek like he had been slapped. The gay thought that
the man kissed the woman and the woman slapped him but missed
and hit him. The woman thought the gay tried to kiss the man so
the man slapped the gay and the man thought, "This is great!
Next time we go under a tunnel, I'll make another kissing sound
and slap the gay!"
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| Posted by herpez a. bigk on 09-Aug-2005 | A snails paceA snail was crossing the road when all of a sudden he got rolled by a turtle.
The next thing the snail knows he's at the hospital, and the doctor asks him: "How did everything happened?"
The snail replied: "I don't know, everything happened so fast."
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Recai Yalgin on 09-Aug-2005 | School bus driverThis retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school.
The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice.
Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.
The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door.
In a slurred voice the boy says ,"Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.
The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.
The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver.
The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?"
The bus driver says in a slurred voice, "He keeps making fun of me!"
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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 09-Aug-2005 | DizzyI had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 09-Aug-2005 | Anything smaller?One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 09-Aug-2005 | Martha StewartMartha Stewart's time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.
The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn't clash with the color of his getaway car.
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| Posted by Reflex449 on 09-Aug-2005 | Stolen steedA tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
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| Posted by Ashy Ashy on 09-Aug-2005 | DecoyStaking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
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| Posted by jaimie on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad driversPeople today just don't know how to drive. I read about this eight car crash.
It took place in a dealer's showroom.
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| Posted by Cinder60 on 09-Aug-2005 | Dramamines & condomsA guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.
The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
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| Posted by Alli M. Kranz on 09-Aug-2005 | The animal's warningA farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
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| Posted by BILLY B. PLOTTER on 09-Aug-2005 | Bono & hitchhikersBono is known as charitable but he???‚¬?„?s cautious too. I mean, he???‚¬?„?ll pick up hitchhikers then make them ride in the trunk.
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 09-Aug-2005 | Petrol priceHave you seen the new warning labels at service station that they have posted next to the prices?
Warning : Filling up could be hazardous to your wealth.
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| Posted by Wes Mcclarren on 09-Aug-2005 | How you feeling?Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?
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| Posted by Christopher L. Eloy on 09-Aug-2005 | Price of gasI'm not sure if my local gas station owner is being a good business person or just trying to maximize his exploiting of the price of gasoline. His full service line now includes a drive up window to a loan officer.
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| Posted by joke magus on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking ticketA driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
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| Posted by Yakke on 09-Aug-2005 | Advice for pilotsAdvice for a young pilot, "Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs."
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot to tower"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
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| Posted by jsw240 on 09-Aug-2005 | Takeoff'sTakeoff's are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
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| Posted by Lorinda Bruce on 09-Aug-2005 | Confused soulA pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
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| Posted by Kiks on 09-Aug-2005 | Software engineeringAt a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 09-Aug-2005 | Cessna bird strikesYou know you???‚¬?„?re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
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| Posted by The Metroid on 09-Aug-2005 | Great landingEveryone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
But a 'great' landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
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| Posted by Jose A. Suazo on 09-Aug-2005 | 2nd greatest thrillFlying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is the first!
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